Introduction

When I was a young boy, I went to visit Santa Claus at the mall. Unfortunately, I managed to take a wrong turn and instead stepped into a dark cave scattered with skeletons, torches, and ash. It was the most terrifying thing in my life, rising just above that one encounter I had with Reverse Medusa, a creature with the body of a snake and several tiny people protruding from her scalp who would turn stone objects into carbon-based lifeforms whenever she looked away from it. As I continued in the cave further and further, I found a sword, a shield, and a treasure chest containing thirty pieces of gold and a minor mana potion. I eventually found myself at the end of the cave. It was pitch black, but everything had quickly lit up after a great breeze of fire. On the other end of the flame was a huge dragon. I drew my sword and knew I either had to fight or perish like a rabbit.

“Everyone really only cares about themselves,” the dragon snarled as it clawed at me. “Even people who do charitable work only want others to notice and appreciate them for doing so.”

“Nerts to that poppycock!” I yelled, “There’s much more to life than simply fulfilling one’s on pleasurable needs!”

“You are one who has never dated before. Even the kindest people show support for their spouse just to get them to like them more.”

“Even so, it’s a mutual pleasure! NGAAAAHHHH!!!”

I lunged at the dragon and my sword seeped through its neck, gruesomely slaying it. The moment after it collapsed with a huge thump, a stone door behind it had slid open.

There was one last room. I slowly entered and saw a large, robed, bearded man sitting in a throne. He was chuckling to himself smugly and slowly. I lit a torch and recognized the man.

“Santa Claus?!”

“Greetings, mortal!”

“Have I been a good boy this year?”

“The all-knowing List has decided your fate. For showing true courage and idealism against the Dragon of Cynicism who has guarded the Dungeon of Truth, you have been deemed Super Nice by the elf gods. As a token of our appreciation, we shall give you access to the world’s most burning yet unavoidable truths, as well as one thing that you desire deepest. Ho. Ho. Ho.”

I couldn’t see anything after that, as he then gave a great big huff and puff and blew all the lights out. That Christmas morning, I opened up a present and found a mysterious tome written by Kris “The Ethereal Sage” Kringle himself. Indeed, this book would have contained the most burning yet unavoidable truths known to the world and quite possibly the universe, but the whole thing was blank. At first, I felt ripped off, but then I realized: “Wait. If I had bested the Dragon of Cynicism, perhaps it is I who must fulfill the duty of filling this book with the universe’s most burning yet unavoidable truths. And after several years and missed Christmases, I have finally achieved my life’s work in completing it. As a public service, I have decided to showcase it to the world.

So, my friends, prepare to enter the Dungeon of Truth.

Balloons

Sometimes letting go of a balloon feels much better than holding onto it. That way, you’ll always have memories of it being a fun thing that made you happy without seeing it get deflated and float down into a pathetic sack of air.

Rocks

People say they’re stubborn as a rock, but even rocks change under pressure.

"But"s

It’s all fun and games until a “but” makes its way into a compliment.

Giraffes

A hyperintelligent giraffe that dances the polka may seem like an unordinary sight, but perhaps not to its friends who are also hyperintelligent giraffes that like to dance the polka, and certainly not to the zookeepers who have to wake up every morning and tend to them.

Puns

Personalities are like puns: some people like us for them and others don’t, but they’re only natural, so you should never apologize for them.

Shots

Getting shot in the face hurts, but not as much as being told “no offense, but…” right before getting shot in the face.

Ordinaries

You don’t always have to be extraordinary. Sometimes being extra ordinary is good enough.

Eavesdroppers

Eavesdroppers should be considered eary and not nosey.

Personnel

I got in trouble at work when I entered a doorway with a sign that said, “unauthorized personnel only.”

Knowing

Knowing is half the battle.

I don’t know what the other half is.

Lunchboxes

I know someone who worried about carrying a bright pink and lime green lunchbox down a crowded street, that people would make fun of them.

I also know a person who ran into a crowded area and yelled “What year is it?!” and who screamed, “It worked!” and ran off after someone answered.

I don’t know what became of the first person, but I know that everyone in the second scenario went on with their day.

Verbs

Every word can verb if you effort hard enough.

Pancakes

Pancakes are the only foods we give houses to.

Sitcoms

I would love to be the guy in charge of coming up with legally distinct brand names in sitcoms.

Linguistics

The phrase “no can do” was first coined and uttered by Ogg, a 17th century English caveman scholar of linguistics. He wasn’t very good at it.

Minds

I know it sounds like it should be a horrific concept, but I can assure you that changing one’s mind does not involve becoming a different person entirely.

Names

Sometimes I lay awake at night in terror, knowing that somewhere in this world, there is at least one really young child whose name is Gary, and one really old person whose name is Jason.

Games

Life is a game, specifically one played on the elementary school playground. No one really knows what they’re doing, and more confusing rules are made up on the spot.

Analogies

Coming up with a good analogy is like doing something hard.

Chimeras

Sometimes five-headed chimeras walk up to me and tell me that they think a lot of my anecdotes are highly contrived and hard to believe. I would always pull a grilled cheese sandwich out of my nose and refute, “Some of the most unbelievable things in life are what we should treasure dearly, such as the fact that you always brighten your next-door neighbor’s day with your smile.” The chimeras would then grin at each other, and every time, their days had in fact been brightened.

Plants

Some people are like plants. It makes their day when they are talked to even if they don’t respond.