'Plainwood, Arise and Awaken - 1 - Observation'
Radio Intro
JORDON: Plainwood, arise and awaken! We. Are. Live! Pleasure to finally be heard by all of you in this interesting sort of magic medium over here. Matt Kennett installed something called a radio in our here little city-state, which, how he describes it, is a combination of sound waves, vibrations, and a little bit of help from scéances. The good kind of scéances. The scéance we did our community bakesale for last week at the schoolhouse. You know, the one Vivian Fay is always preaching about at the medical center. Scéance, is that how you say it? Or is it… science? It’s hard to keep track of all these occults nowadays. I prefer the traditional stuff. Back in my day, Marion Marley threw down his evil shadowy reign of terror, possessing every little bystander and permanently tarnishing everybody’s mind with some spiritually demonic brain debris. You ever hear me complaining about that? No. I’m a demon-fearing, glove-wearing Plainwooder. You won’t catch me exposing my bare palms to anybody anymore.
JORDON: Anyhoo, welcome to our first ever radio show, my name is Jordon Daly, and we are here to broadcast all the goings on going on in our quaint little village up here on our own private little arctic mountain. The time is 8:01 in the morning, we got a great first show coming for you today. Stay with us, not like you have a choice. This is the only show on the radio, and Matt Kennett is requiring everyone to wear those fancy-cool walkie-talkies for the first week.
Radio Weather
JORDON: But first, a brief weather report. I see grey. Lots and lots and lots of grey. Grey as far as the eye can see. Ey wait, no no no no no, I can see a little bit of white too. There’s some on the ground. Leftover snow. We had a little bit of a blizzard yesterday, but nothing we haven’t been through before. Just keep wearing your regular daily wear, and the heat emanating from the hideous statue of the left hand on Riverside Road will continue to keep all of us warm for years to come. Nobody knows why that statue is so hot. Or… why we still have it… Ugh, gives me chills just picturing that bare left hand. It’s scarred everywhere, it looks like it’s about to reach out and grope my soul. I’m just happy I don’t live on Riverside. Whoever decided to erect that statue on the other side of the river had some great forethought in my book. I mean, you gotta be insane to even want to live on that street. Insane. Dumb. Ugly. Also stupid. Anyway, prepare for another blizzard tonight. Like I said, wear your tee-shirts or your tank tops if you live on Riverside. Otherwise, parkas and scarves are the way to go.
JORDON: Uh, I was just handed a note that says I’m allowed to play music at regular intervals. I didn’t even know we had a playlist here. I’m gonna quickly turn off my mic and leave you with a word from our sponsors while I try to figure out how this whole radio thing works. ‘Cause apparently, we had advertisements already loaded in the system, but god forbid somebody wants to listen to some music when they first get up.
Radio Sponsor
KYLE: Are you hungry? Think about it! When was the last time you ate? It’s early in the morning! It must be what? 8:04 or something? When did you last have dinner? And no, dessert doesn’t count, you heathen! Stop soiling your taste buds with all that unwarranted sugar. Nobody likes to eat Kendell’s Candies anyway. Have you ever had a BubbleDunk? Disgusting! A cookie wrapped around in a vanilla creme stuffing? Sounds disgusting. Even more disgusting than halibut-flavored jello, which some newcomer recently insinuated I should eat. They called it “hello.” I don’t even know what hello is. Said she was greeting me, but I know better. Why would you greet someone you don’t know? I don’t know her. She doesn’t know me. J-j-j-just walk away and mind your own business for crying out loud. Anyway, still hungry? Need some salt in your diet? Salt to overpower those disgusting desserts you put in your system? Cool! Great! Come to the Snowstone Lodge. We have food. This has been Kyle Ling, head caterer, not to brag, mic drop!
JORDON: [out of audio range] Wait, Kyle, don’t drop the mic, it’s really expensive—
[crash]
VOICEOVER: Snowstone Lodge. We have food.
Radio Music
DON: Welcome back. Sorry about that. We just found a whole cassette tape of pirated music with a piece of yellow tape on it and “MUSiC” written on it with multiple colors of crayon and all letters uppercase besides the I. We got a great day and a grey day coming your way pretty soon. For now, enjoy the next indeterminate amount of time of uninterrupted tunes and jams. Coming up first: “Onward to the Next Chapter,” by Godlock.
Plot Exposition
[click]
EILEEN: Ugh, if I have to wake up to that annoying voice every day, I swear I am gonna toss my radio out the window. At least they’ve got some good taste in music.
EILEEN: [singing along to the radio] “Gotta turn the page, turn the page, gotta turn the page / Livin’ in a life full of players atop a stage.” Okay, you win this time, Jordon Daly. I’m gonna keep tuning in to you every day, but the moment you play anything by Scrungee Bungee or Ok Jump, I am gonna follow through on that window thing.
[clock ticks]
EILEEN: Craaaappp, I’m late! Oh wait, no… I’m tenured.
[Eileen changes, brushes her teeth, GARGLES water, and throws on a coat and gloves. She exits her room and enters the lobby of the Everoak Cafe and Inn. The doorbell jingles as she opens the door]
DAWN: Morning, Eileen!
EILEEN: [mocking] Morning, my love!
DAWN: A bit late, aren’t you?
EILEEN: Nah, time is a construct. Can I get a crowberry juice and an omelet?
DAWN: On the house [slides glass and plate across the counter. Eileen refuses to catch it and it SHATTERS and BREAKS]
EILEEN: [making no acknowledgement of the breaking] Thanks a total. Patrick and Morgan up yet?
DAWN: Yes, they’re on time.
EILEEN: Cool, I’ll catch up to ‘em. Thanks for the freebies, byeeeeeeeee!
[EILEEN leaves the lobby. The door OPENS and hastily SHUTS, the doorbell RINGING. She runs and PANTS to catch up to PATRICK]
EILEEN: [matteroffactly] I’m behind you.
PATRICK: [caught off guard] Oh my god! A simple “Wait up, Patrick,” would have saved me from the heart attack!
EILEEN: In my defense, I didn’t know you had a heart.
PATRICK: [playfully] It’s okay, I had it removed years ago when we became friends.
[EILEEN walks (FOOTSTEPS are heard), approaches the entrance of the schoolhouse and GROANS]
EILEEN: Why do we do this to ourselves, Patrick?
PATRICK: Hm?
EILEEN: Why do we do this to ourselves, Patrick?
PATRICK: That’s not what I meant when I grumbled, “Hm?”
EILEEN: Look around us. What do you see?
PATRICK: I’m gonna try and answer, but I feel like whatever I say, you’re just going to interrupt and explain why it’s wrong—
EILEEN: That’s wrong! The only things here in Plainwood are pine trees, piles of snow, and decrepit houses.
PATRICK: [tongue-in-cheek] Exactly what I was going to say.
EILEEN: Our town is slightly smaller than Monaco. Do you know how big Monaco is?
PATRICK: Like a little less than a square mile?
EILEEN: [emphasizing] Like a little less than a square mile! And where are these people going to go once they graduate school? What are they going to do with their lives? We’re on a mountain in the arctic, it’s not like people are going to willingly scale down to sea-level so they can live out their dreams of being a cashier in the States. Or… god forbid… [shudders] in Canada.
PATRICK: I feel like we go through this discussion every Monday. Don’t you teach because of your love of the craft?
EILEEN: Patrick, teaching is my passion! There’s nothing I love more than using psychological tactics to shape young manipulable minds. But it’s no fun if the most they’re going to use that knowledge for is determining whether or not to throw salt on their house every August to ward off evil lefthanders or whatever! I teach life skills! God forbid I teach the snot balls something usable instead of this “how to prevent demonic possessions” bullcrap. Have you ever gotten possessed before?
PATRICK: [facetiously] No, but probably because you’re just such a good teacher.
EILEEN: [chuckles] Please, that would be a compliment if you actually paid attention to any of my lessons instead of “researching lesson plans”
PATRICK: Hey! I have to carefully curate the videos I use so they have some sort of educational aspect to them.
EILEEN: Aw, it must be so hard, having to deliver lessons on the spot without any intention put behind them. If that’s the case, Morgan must be struggling.
PATRICK: Hey, the kids like her.
EILEEN: The kids like her because she’s the talk of the town in the boys’ locker room. It’s not like what she teaches has any impact on their lives either. Freakin’ social skills? Who needs social skills? It’s like teaching English. All the people here already speaks good. [rifles in her pocket] Crap, I forgot my key. Do you have yours?
PATRICK: Uh, yeah, let me just—
EILEEN: No wait, I left my window open, I can just sneak through that way.
PATRICK: What is it with you and sneaking through windows?
EILEEN: [while opening a window, JUMPING, and GRUNTING, struggling to get inside] It’s cool! Ever since it granted me a hasty escape from my graduation, it’s been my go-to tactic!
PATRICK: I can’t believe you’re a life skills teacher.
EILEEN: Yeah yeah. Hey, can you give me a boost? I’m stuck.
PATRICK: [SIGHS] [to himself] This is my lifelong teaching partner. [to her] Alright, you ready? One… two… three!
[EILEEN SCREAMS and falls onto the floor, GRUNTING when she lands]
EILEEN: [still on the floor, hiding her pain] Perfect! [picks herself up, GRUNTING] If you wanna climb in the quick and easy way too, you’re on your own. I’m not touching any part of your lower body.
PATRICK: That’s fine, I’m going the scenic route. Just let me in when I knock on the door.
EILEEN: [mockingly] Okie-dokie!
[clock TICKS]
EILEEN: Ah, we made great time! I can use the next five minutes to sleep.
Radio News
[CLICK]
JORDON: Wow, I have not heard that song that many times in a row before! Anyway, welcome back, listeners. This is Jordon Daly, and thank you for tuning in to Plainwood, Arise and Awaken, your one and only community radio show that… well, simply put, your one and only community radio show. It’s twenty after the hour, so let’s chime in for a quick news update. Just as I expected: this page they handed me is completely blank besides a crudely drawn smiley face and a caption: “Everything is fine.” Well, that’s good to know! Glad to see everything in Plainwood is still fine. Means that the mayors haven’t needed to change their “It Has Been Blank Days Since the Last Hideous Encounter” sign back to zero. I count that as a win. No news is good news, eh?
JORDON: Wro-ong! No news is boring! What in the world is a newscaster gonna do without news to cast? I mean, we live in Plainwood, the self-proclaimed hub for all demonic encounters, surely there has to be something to report about on this lovely Monday in September. Well, good news, ‘cause I just remembered using my thinking brain that our dear friend Bo Adebowale is setting up a Plainwood tourism board. Hey, no better time to do that than two years after the last newcomer actually stepped foot in this place. Adebowale is working with journalist Jodie Daly to come up with the perfect marketing slogans to put on a brochure and really sell people the idea of coming over here. The logistics of how they’re going to do that remain unknown and controversial, as there is virtually no feasible way to mail brochures to the outside world without a mail system, let alone one that can freely travel up and down an isolated mountain in the arctic. Not like we like the outside world anyway. That’s where the scary people are.
JORDON: In the meantime, Adebowale and Daly have narrowed down their slogans to three: “A safe haven for the right-handed,” “We have more than one public bathroom,” and “Might as well!” Frankly, I like the first one. In times like these, where you can’t trust if someone is a Sinister or a Dexter, at least you can take a small comfort in knowing that Plainwood is the one place committed to keeping those dreadful Sinisters outta here. Well, I mean… as long as you don’t live on Riverside Road, but… let’s be real here.
JORDON: If anyone has any other suggestions for slogans, contact Bo Adebowale by writing down your idea on a scrap of paper, crumpling it up, and throwing it into her window. Technology has come such a long way, hasn’t it?
Radio Music
JORDON: I got sidetracked, let’s pop some music up in here! Coming up next, “Please Don’t Go,” by Underfunded Life Solution.
Plot Rising Action/Climax
[CLICK]
ARCHIE: Eileen Pritchett?
EILEEN: [jumps and SHRIEKS] Gah, don’t sneak up on me like that! [false cordialness] Hey hey, Archie. Cliffe. Matty. What’s up? And, eh, how’d you get inside without a window?
CLIFFE: The door was unlocked.
EILEEN: [snickers nervously] I knew that. Gotta get my core strength in somehow, am I right? So, uh, what brings our lovely lovely mayors into my—er, me, Patrick, and Morgan’s classroom?
CLIFFE: We gotta do our yearly rounds.
EILEEN: Oh yes, the one duty that Mayoral Head of Census and Merit Cliffe Rhubis has: going around and making sure that the people doing their jobs are actually doing their jobs. You know, I heard that in countries outside of Plainwood, as long as you’re making money, the government tends to butt out of things. Come to think of it, even if you’re not making money, the government butts out of things. You guys should take a page from literally any country that isn’t Plainwood.
ARCHIE: That’s not how we do things here. Every citizen is under the watch and guidance of every other citizen.
EILEEN: Is that why you force the worst ones to live on the other side of the river closer to where demons are more inclined to stake their claims on innocent bystanders?
ARCHIE: We haven’t had a demon outbreak in so long.
EILEEN: Perfect! Then let me teach actual content!
CLIFFE, ARCHIE, MATT: We can’t do that.
ARCHIE: Jinx!
MATT: On the off-chance a Sinister demon actually comes back to us, we need our young ones to be prepared.
EILEEN: Perfect. …So, what do you wanna see here? Just a sample lesson? Can’t Patrick or Morgan go first?
CLIFFE: We got them scheduled for a different date. Today, all eyes are on you.
EILEEN: Well, that’s gonna be great! For once, I’ll have people actually paying attention to me in class today! You guys need a written lesson plan or what?
MATT: Just an observation is fine.
EILEEN: Perfect, Matty! This is why you’re my second favorite of the mayors.
MATT: [as if he didn’t hear her correctly] What?
EILEEN: [making no acknowledgement to her last statement] The kiddos should be heading in any minute now. They’re probably gonna be earlier than Patrick and Morgan! Who knows? And uh, we have just enough chairs for us three teachers and sixteen students, so are you all fine with leaning against a wall? [spitefully] I’d offer you my desk but I haven’t cleaned it since the last time you all came to intrude on my professional work.
CLIFFE: Well, we would like a—
MATT: [interrupting, trying not to make a big deal] It’s fine, Eileen! No worries at all! We are the guests here. As far as your kids care, we don’t even exist.
EILEEN: Perfect, that’s how we all treat you here anyway!
[KNOCK on the door]
EILEEN: Oh, are those our little blossoms of poison ivy already?
PATRICK: [from behind the door] It’s me and Morgan.
EILEEN: Eh, close enough. Archie, would you be a peach and let my colleagues in?
ARCHIE: But the door is unlocked—
EILEEN: I’m sorry, but when we’re in a classroom, it’s imperative that everyone follows the teacher’s directions; otherwise, I’ll have to ask you to leave.
ARCHIE: We’re your bosses.
EILEEN: That’s strike two. One more warning, it’s no recess.
ARCHIE: [grumbling] This is humiliating.
[door opens]
MORGAN: Hey hey!
PATRICK: ‘Sup.
EILEEN: Patrick, Morgan, you all know Archibald, Cliffe, and Matthew, right?
ARCHIE: Charmed.
CLIFFE: Heya.
MATT: Good to see you.
EILEEN: They’re all here to observe my lesson today.
MORGAN: You’re in for a treat, Mayors! Eileen is the best teacher I’ve met! Remember the lesson you gave on Marion Marley?
EILEEN: [nostalgically] Oh, you three should have been there. We got paint and fire everywhere!
CLIFFE: You lit your classroom on fire?
EILEEN: Only some of it. You see that black spot in the center of the room? We singed the floor a little bit, but totally worth it to demonstrate the effects of demonic possession. That is a topic you require me to teach, right?
CLIFFE: This was a mistake.
MATT: No no, I’m curious where this is gonna go.
ARCHIE: Eileen, I’m partly scared to ask what the topic of your lesson is going to be today.
EILEEN: Well, I was planning to do a quick review, but now that you’re here, we’re gonna stay actively engaged! Maybe even take a field trip, who knows?
[KNOCK on door]
EILEEN: Speak of the devil! The lovelies are here already! Mayors, we have some extra wall space for you to stand and observe. Just not in the center of the room, we don’t want you leaving footsteps of ash everywhere.
CLIFFE: [exasperated already] Alright. You seem to know what you’re doing. Just do what you normally do. And remember, we’re not even here.
EILEEN: [in a melody similar to “okiedokie”] Got it, got it!
[STUDENTS trickle in, TALKING amongst themselves]
EILEEN: [walks to the front of the room, FOOTSTEP by FOOTSTEP. She CLEARS HER THROAT and the STUDENTS immediately stop talking]
STUDENTS: Good morning, Eileen Pritchett!
EILEEN: Good morning, my lovely little radishes! Before we start, look who’s here today! Matt Kennett, Cliffe Rhubis, and Archibald West have taken the time out of their busy schedule to come see me deliver one of my lessons to all of you. Come to think of it, this sort of reminds me of that mantra I taught you a while back. Let’s all say in unison…
STUDENTS and EILEEN: The government of the sovereign city-state of Plainwood has anything but our best interests at heart.
EILEEN: That’s right! [to the mayors] Can you believe these guys? They’re already becoming free-thinking citizens, and at the ripe young age of eleven, too! [back to students] So, I have just written the do-now on the board. [speaking in a more childish tone to be more kid-friendly] Our mayors are here to see that I’m doing a good enough job at teaching so they don’t remove me from my job and force me into an even lower societal rung with even lower societal privileges than I already have. You don’t want me moving in that horrible haunted house on Riverside Road now, do you? Guess what, friends? In Plainwood? you only get to choose where you live if you have enough reputation. That means if people like you enough. [back to normal tone] Friends, using Morgan Bailey’s social skills she taught you, how can we effectively and politely ask our mayors to give poor Eileen Pritchett a break? Don’t forget to use your sentence starters and explanations. Anchor charts are posted all over the classroom.
STUDENTS: [innocently and politely] You mayoral pigs need to clean the mud out of your eyes so you can actually see the systemic problems about having a completely reputation-based government and economy.
EILEEN: Oh, music to my ears! You have all learned so much! Back to the do-now, though. Let’s prove to these guys just how much we’ve learned. I am going to ask all of you to stand up, and we’re going to round-robin, starting with Alyssa, and going around our circle of desks. What’s one thing you’ve learned in Eileen’s class this year? If one friend already said one thing, you won’t be able to say it again. And while we’re at it, Patrick Wells, Morgan Bailey, you two stand up too! I’m curious to hear your feedback!
[Students continually CHAT amongst themselves]
MORGAN: [MUTTERING to Patrick] Oh crap, she’s getting in one of her holier-than-thou moods. Should I intervene?
PATRICK: [WHISPERING back] Are you kidding? As much flack as I give her, Eileen is the queen of pushing boundaries ‘til they break. I bet you 25 Merit Tickets that she’s gonna wind up even getting a promotion at the end of this lesson.
MORGAN: I never had teachers like her in the States.
PATRICK: That’s because the States had these things called “laws” and “teachers’ unions.” There’s a benefit to being in a small tight knit city-state like Plainwood.
MORGAN: Does Plainwood not have laws? I didn’t know that, did I?
STUDENT 1: The House with the Hand Statue on Riverside Road used to belong to a variety of demons, until the settlers of Plainwood expelled them for good.
STUDENT 2: I wanted to say that! Um… Oh! I mean… [as if reading directly from a classroom poster] “I agree with Alyssa and I would like to add on that…” [talking normally] The left hand is sacrilege because that would always be the hand each Sinister Demon used to latch onto victims’ necks.
STUDENT 3: Which is why we always wear gloves and scarves!
EILEEN: Ooh, you three are adding onto each other’s answers, and I didn’t even have to implement any talk moves. That is so pedagogical! Patrick, Morgan, I didn’t hear from you two yet.
PATRICK: Nah, I think our friends hit the nail on the head this time.
MORGAN: Isn’t the Hand House thing just a myth?
EILEEN: A myth?
MORGAN: Yeah, you always say it’s bull.
EILEEN: Bull? Bull?! Now why in the sinister world would I say that the cornerstone of our history and culture as the sovereign city-state of Plainwood is bull? Look at our mayors back there, they seem terrified that you would even insinuate such an idea! …Unless… [CHUCKLES deviously] …maybe it is.
MATT: [to himself] Oh no.
EILEEN: [singling out MATT] I heard something from our mayors over there! Would you like to add something?
MATT: Well, I…
EILEEN: Oh, where are my manners? I may be the teacher here, but we have guests in our classroom, after all! How rude of me to be the one talking the entire time. I’m not even the expert of Sinister Demons and Hideous Encounters, when we have our literal leaders of history and culture here! Matt, Archie, Cliffe? Care to give some guest lectures? It is very pedagogical that our students hear testimonies from multiple perspectives, after all. I mean, if they only trusted what I tell them, then I wouldn’t be a teacher, I’d be a dictator. And we’d have lots of little me’s running around, and we don’t need them making out with every doctor they see.
ARCHIE: What?
EILEEN: [making no acknowledgement of her last sentence or Archie] Matt, you know your fair share of the history of our town, why is the so-called “Hand House” so important?
CLIFFE: [whispering] She’s using you, Matt. Stay strong and say no.
MATT: [whispering back] But this is an important topic! How can I not go in and intervene?
ARCHIE: [whispering] If you say anything—
MATT: [whisper-yelling] I have my own free will—
CLIFFE: [whisper-bickering] I know you do, so you can choose to shut up—
ARCHIE: [whisper-bickering] Doing nothing is quite literally the easiest thing in the world—
MATT: [to the class] Okay, kids! Who wants to hear the bloodcurdling tales of the Statue House on Riverside Road in excruciating detail?!
STUDENTS: [CHEER]
MATT: [in a kid-friendly voice] So it all started a long time ago when the bloody spawns of hell rose from the sinister dimension and cast a plague of impending death, destruction, and possession all over the world! [giddier] And guess what?!
STUDENTS: What?!
MATT: Those demonic hellspawns erected symbols of their left hand as a constant reminder that they’re always watching and always going grab us and do unspeakable things to our psyches! And we keep that statue of their left hand here in Plainwood as a warning that if you do anything even slightly out of line, you’re going to be scooped up and swiped away by the latest sinister creature, most likely never to be seen again!
STUDENTS: [APPLAUD]
ARCHIE: [sarcastically] That was riveting, Matthew.
CLIFFE: Please continue to be single and childless.
EILEEN: What do we all say to Matt Kennett?
STUDENTS: Thank y—
EILEEN: Trick question! There is nothing to be said about that story. There is a difference between historical fact and old wives’ tales. The only way to prove whether a fact is true is to experience it yourself.
PATRICK: [whispering to Morgan] This is gonna segue.
MORGAN: [whispering back] I love segues!
EILEEN: Kids, co-teachers, mayors, everyone pack up! We’re going on a field trip to Riverside Road itself!
CLIFFE: Ei-Eileen, listen, we got plenty of observations already from your lesson, we don’t need to go any further with this—
EILEEN: Nonsense, Cliffe, this was your idea, wasn’t it? You wanna see just how well Eileen Pritchett can teach? Well write this down in your notes: building background knowledge, first hand experiences, hands-on learning, critical thinking—we are getting so pedagogical up in this joint, Montessori and Piaget are wetting their graves right now! Now come on! And if you all behave extra well, I’ll let you hold hands with the demonic hellspawn statue!
Radio Classifieds
[CLICK]
JORDON: Welcome back, my friends. Still no news on the tourism board, but I would like to say that I think this first broadcast is going swimmingly! I didn’t even know there were more than three musical groups in Plainwood. Who’s going out there and getting together to domesticate sound waves in the air in a way that makes it pleasing to the ear? I respect that kind of dedication.
JORDON: Speaking of dedication, the Mayoral House has asked me to read out these classifieds. If anybody is interested in filling any of these positions, use those phone thingamajiggies in your house to call the Plainwood Office of Merit and Census at 555-3245, extension 1003.
JORDON: Listing 1: Copywriter for the Plainwood tourism board. We are looking for someone who knows what makes people want to visit an isolated city-state known for its lack of public facilities and complete seclusion from any portion of the outside world. Knowledge of the English language required, literacy preferred, intelligence any level.
JORDON: Listing 2: Librarian for the Plainwood Public Library. Applicants must have a level three knowledge or higher of alchemy and the occult, and must bring their own grimoire to the interview to recite any sort of incantation. As we all know, when you ask a librarian a vague question about the supernatural, you gotta know exactly what book to pull from and exactly what page to turn to. Bonus points if you can answer those questions in a grumbly ominous voice and say, “Mmm, I think I have just the thing to indulge in your curiosity. Beware, though, for this tome carries a terrible curse.” Which, of course, is just the standard way to let children know that there may be foul language in the book.
JORDON: And finally, Listing 3: Anticipated opening for a permanent leave from a life skills teacher in the Monnelley All-Purpose Schoolhouse. Must be willing to blindly follow directions and expectations; comfortable with teaching the history of spirits, Sinisters, lefties, and the like; and not named Eileen. This is an anticipated leave, so we are prematurely writing this, but please, god, please, apply now so we can have an overwhelming number of people who want to replace this specific teacher who may or may not be taking an indefinite leave. We’re just planning ahead.
JORDON: Sounds fun! I’ve always said that I’ve wanted to be a teacher. But, I don’t know. I get squeamish around blood.
JORDON: Anyway, if any of y’all are interested, again, call the Plainwood Office of Merit and Census at 555-3245, extension 1003.
Radio Music
JORDON: Until then, we got one more round of music before Jordon Daly signs off for the morning. Coming up next: “Cure for the Blues,” by Janky Johnson and the Misfit Kids.
Plot Resolution
[CLICK]
EILEEN: God, I hate this song.
PATRICK: Why do you keep that radio on you anyway?
EILEEN: To drown out the thoughts in my head, why else?
STUDENT 1: Eileen Pritchett, are we there yet?
EILEEN: Just about! Everybody, feast your eyes on the feared Riverside Road!
STUDENTS: [GASP]
MATT: [SHRIEKS]
[beat]
MORGAN: Mayor Kennett, don’t you live on this road?
MATT: That’s my reaction every time I come home from work, why do you ask?
EILEEN: Everybody, take a good long look at this disaster of a house. Look at how its wood chips down the edges, how it’s just barely standing up straight with the support it has, how it still somehow can withstand a thirteen-foot stone statue on the roof. Notice the placard right in front of it. Can I have a volunteer read it aloud for everyone?
STUDENTS and MATT: [excitedly volunteering and asking to be chosen]
EILEEN: Let’s see… Matt Kennett, you’ve been participating so much in class today, you deserve to be Star Student for the day! Please, read it aloud.
MATT: [honored and bashful to begin] Well, I mean, if you insist. This is quite an important part of our history, and I don’t see anyone else who’d be better qualified to—
CLIFFE: Jesus, Matt, get on with it so we can go home and fail Eileen already!
MATT: Right, right! So, um this plaque represents all the thousands of unknown spirits and demons who have lived in this house and have since attacked our beloved city-state. It reads: “Here stands a building we wish no one dares to enter, for it represents a constant omen of the future, and an unhealing scar of the past.”
EILEEN: Ooh, big words for our little kiddos, don’t you think? Turn and talk with your field trip buddies, what could that mean—?
MATT: Oh! I know! Can I please explain it to them!
EILEEN: By all means. At least someone here is paying attention while being scared out of their minds. It’s multitasking, class. Mayor Kennett is the master of that.
ARCHIE: [muttering] Yes, sometimes he multitasks so much, he’s forgotten what his main task was in the first place.
MATT: So! A “scar of the past” represents all of those evil little demons who are going to sneak up and strip you of your free will in the blink of an instant! You all were too young to know the Zombie Puppeteer, Marion Marley, but mark my words, after a possession scandal like that, no one could even dare to forget any of the details!
STUDENT 2: What happened?
MATT: To be honest, I can’t remember. Possession really messes up your brain function. Just the other day, I confused my milk with my salt, and it really messed up my cereal! I mean, can you imagine eating cereal with milk?
MORGAN: You seem very excited by this, Matt.
MATT: What can I say? The spirits are a passion of mine! If I had Eileen’s job, I would knock it out of the park every day!
EILEEN: Is that so?
MATT: [giddily nods his head] Mm-hmm! [seamlessly changes mood to paranoid] Wai-wait, I know that Eileen smile!
EILEEN: How’s about you lead the kiddos on an expedition into the demonic house then? See what all this paranoia really is about!
MATT: [trying to keep up a good mood] Oh, you certainly are pushing my boundaries today, aren’t you? You’re lucky I like you so much. Unfortunately, that’s the one thing that I absolutely refuse to—
EILEEN: You do believe that seeing me teach is a priority here, right? That’s… why you’re all here in the first place? I mean, if you don’t want my students to learn such an influential part of our Plainwood history and culture using the best practices of teaching that I have studied, then we can just call off this whole observation now.
MATT: Are you threatening me?
EILEEN: Kids, what’s my policy on asking questions you already know the answer to?
STUDENTS: Shove a punctuation mark up your throat!
EILEEN: Come on, we didn’t come all this way not to venture into this place. We’ll be in and out, it’ll take 20 minutes tops. Anybody wanna be Matt Kennett’s buddy?
STUDENT 1: I will!
EILEEN: Perfect! You two go inside before all of us and bring us back a detailed description of all the horrors you see.
MATT: What?!
EILEEN: Oh, and suddenly the teacher’s pet is scared to write a few paragraphs.
MATT: That’s not what I’m scared of—
EILEEN: Three paragraphs at least, and don’t forget to use descriptive words and sensory details. Here’s your composition book [throws it as it smacks the student. Student YELPS], a flashlight [throws it as it also smacks the student. Student YELPs again], and three fully sharpened pencils.
STUDENT 1: [scared of getting hit again] No need to throw those, please! I have my own!
EILEEN: Perfect. We’ll see you two in an hour!
MATT: I thought you said twenty min—
[door SLAMS closed]
MORGAN: Eileen, are you okay? Like… in the brain area?
EILEEN: Please, y’all act like I haven’t done lessons like this every day. [turns to class] Class, I’m not worried about Alyssa or Matt in there. Sometimes people do what is called an “overreaction.” Can anyone tell me why I’m not worried?
STUDENT 3: Alyssa is the youngest black belt in Plainwood?
STUDENT 2: She has emotional trauma that makes mental scarring seem dull by comparison?
ARCHIE: She’s actually not a real student and you fabricated a dummy puppet to do your bidding for you without worrying about any physical or emotional pain?
CLIFFE: She’s gonna use Matt as a human shield?
EILEEN: All of you are wrong! Except for Rose, emotional trauma does wonders, but not something either of them are going to need. In fact, they should be coming out right about now.
[Student 1 and Matt exit. Student 1 is disappointed and Matt is terrified out of his mind]
STUDENT 1: That was lame.
MATT: I HAVE SEEN THE DEVIL!
ARCHIE: [whispering to Cliffe] That was neither twenty minutes nor an hour.
EILEEN: What’d you learn, Alyssa?
STUDENT 1: It’s just an ordinary house. I couldn’t find any demons anywhere. A lot of imagery of the left hand, but nothing that Eileen doesn’t show us on a daily basis.
CLIFFE: I’m sorry, you show imagery of the left hand to your students on a daily basis?
ARCHIE: SACRILEGE!
EILEEN: What about you, Matt?
MATT: Hands… So many left hands in there… So many left hands…
EILEEN: So Matt, I suppose you wouldn’t mind leading a group inside as well? You seem to know the most out of everyone. We do need chaperones on our field trip after all. Buddy system and all that.
MATT: God, please no. I-I get the idea you’re trying to make, Eileen. Good intentions, but horrifically executed. Well, Cliffe? Archie? I think we’ve seen enough here, don’t you?
ARCHIE: Please, get me off of this road from hell. All the people who are weird and stupid and also ugly live here.
MATT: [attempting to interrupt Archie and Cliffe’s next conversation] I—I—you—you both know that I live on this road, too, right? You’ve—You’ve been to my house before.
ARCHIE: What do you think, Cliffe?
CLIFFE: Oh, my, gosh, please get me out of this woman’s face. Why does she always have to be so difficult about everything?
ARCHIE: No wonder her reputation tanked this month.
CLIFFE: You good on bolting back to the office?
ARCHIE: Everyone for themself?
CLIFFE: You know it!
[Cliffe and Archie run off]
MATT: Wait, guys! Don’t leave without me!
EILEEN: [proud of herself, listening to the mayors’ FOOTSTEPS running away] Another lesson in the books, wouldn’t you say?
PATRICK: How have you not been fired yet?
MORGAN: Is it legal to threaten a mayor to force them into a haunted house?
EILEEN: Please, you all act like anything you do in this town has any consequences at all.
STUDENT 2: [tentatively] Eileen? Can we please go back to class?
EILEEN: Hmm? Oh, yeah, class dismissed. Y’all can head back home early today.
PATRICK: It’s only been like an hour since school started—
EILEEN: Doesn’t matter. Your homework is to reflect on how you can make an actual change in this stagnant excuse for a city-state. Don’t know about you, but I’m getting some breakfast from the Everoak. Feel free to join me if you want.
MORGAN: [SIGHING] I’ll walk the kids back to the schoolhouse.
Radio Sign Off
JORDON: Well, that concludes that. Not a big fan of that genre of music, but when you describe yourself as “self righteous progressive alternative math rock experimental EDM metal,” I’ll take what I can get. This has been a wonderful first broadcast, everyone, and—hey, look at that: my radio equipment did not catch on fire yet! That counts as a win in my book! Anyway, thank you for tuning in to our first and hopefully not only broadcast of Plainwood, Arise and Awaken. I’m Jordon Daly, signing off. Until next time, Plainwood, stay sane, stay aware, stay all right.
Plot Outro
CLIFFE: So, uh… I’m just gonna write down here on this chart, “Remove Eileen from anywhere involving children” if that’s okay with y’all.
MATT: Nononononono, let’s not get too hasty here!
ARCHIE: Come on, man!
CLIFFE: Gosh dangit!CLIFFE: Dude, the woman exploited your paralyzing fear of the supernatural and used it to get a good grade on her observation.
ARCHIE: Yeah, and to put it in perspective, we’ve fired dozens of other people simply for mentioning Marion Marley.
MATT: Yeah, but… she’s such a nice person on the inside!
ARCHIE: Matt!
CLIFFE: Y’all don’t make this easy
MATT: You just need to get to know her! I see her intentions, and that’s all that matters.
CLIFFE: You’re still cowering on the floor clinging onto a security blanket.
MATT: That’s my problem. I vote she stays for another year. Anyone opposed?
ARCHIE: [whispering to Cliffe] How can a person be such a pushover and so stubborn at the same time?
CLIFFE: [muttering back] Dude, I don’t know why we even do these things anymore, it’s always the same answer.
MATT: All in favor of keeping Eileen as a teacher?
CLIFFE: Aye, I guess.
ARCHIE: Aye…
MATT: Perfect, the ayes have it!
CLIFFE: I hate that you two are cousins.