'A Brief Rant on Mario and Luigi Paper Jam'

Okay, so. Since the remake of Bowser's Inside Story just came out, I thought it was apropos to go slightly off-topic about that and state some feelings about Nintendo's amazing and convoluted plan of disappointing me. Their plan: To release Mario & Luigi: Paper Jam.

Mario & Luigi Series: Love it! Paper Mario Series: Ya better believe I love it! So what do you get when you combine the two? An awesome crossover game where you can travel between the real and paper world and meet beloved characters like Dimentio, Merlon, Mimi, Bobbery, and that Yoshi kid?! NO! NOT EVEN CLOSE! It's like Mario & Luigi: Dream Team but without the good plot, good characters, unique areas, or new enemies. And oh yeah that's right, Paper Mario is also there. Don't get me wrong, there are some really fun things about the game too. Papercraft Battles? Really fun! Mandatory Paper Toad Hide-and-Seek? Not so much.

The one thing I love about the Mario and Luigi series is that in each one, it introduces awesome characters loved by fans but never seen anywhere else. We got Prince Peasley, we got Starlow, we got Dreambert, and let's not forget: that recurring psycho green bean with the swirly hair, spiral glasses, and perfect teeth....... FAWFUL! Yeah, he didn't appear in Dream Team, but at least good characters like Dreambert, the Zeekeeper, and Starlow made up for it. In Paper Jam, the closest thing to an even remotely new character is Starlow, who was introduced in 2009! "But hey, we've got Toads, and everyone loves those guys, right?" Well I'm sure they would if Toads didn't lose their luster and adorableness after The Thousand-Year Door, where creativity actually went into each one's design.

Let's not forget the great battle system and awesome attacks! By which I mean, Paper Mario's copy ability is a good idea, and the trio attacks are as fun to perform as it is to say "Trio Whirligig," but again, almost no creativity went into enemies or attacks. Well, I shouldn't say that last part. Paper Mario's jump and hammer attacks are actually good. The thing is though, since it's a Paper Mario crossover, Nintendo felt obligated to include paper versions of every single enemy and pass them off as new and unique things! "Yeah, but their movesets are totally different from their real counterparts!" Yeah, if you consider the speed of the attack a big difference. I do like the emergency guard, I am obsessed with fulfilling every expert challenge, and the cards are a new fresh replacement for badges, but I feel like the battles just could've been... something more, y'know? Also, when I first battled that first Goomba, and I heard the remix of Superstar Saga's battle theme, I really hoped it both would and wouldn't be the battle theme for the rest of the game. Also, THE BATTLE RING BOSSES AREN'T PALETTE SWAPS, which was one of the most disappointing things of this game.

I don't know what's worse: The names of the locations in this game, or the fact that it literally followed Yahtzee's song of "Grassland, desert, island, forest, ice world, boss." Sunbeam Plains: That's a cool name for a grassland in a game as cheery as a Mario game would be. Gloomy Woods: Sorta good, but a name I'd more expect from Super Princess Peach. Every other one: why?! And, what? Doop Doop Dunes, Twinsy Tropics, and--wait for it--MOUNT BRRR! I know this is a really small thing to be upset about, but think about it! Every other game in the series had locations' names based on some sort of theme. Superstar Saga: all laugh onomatopoeias, Dream Team: all stuff related to sleep, Bowser's Inside Story: names that are actually fun to say, and also those two involving bad tooth problems...? And you know an area lacks creativity when I can't tell the difference between Doop Doop Dunes and Dozing Sands. And also! The whole fun of the Mario and Luigi Series is that you go back to areas you've been to to advance the plot. In Paper Jam, it's only the New Super Mario Bros games, but put in an RPG engine, from the straightforward mapping to the fact that there are world bosses! They're acting like once you've beaten a boss in one area, that's it, you're done, no more of that area unless you're one of those masochists who like to search around for every single bean hidden in the ground. Add some variety. Add sidequests. I looked on the Mario Wiki when writing this, and under the sidequest heading is only two things, and one of them is only a series of quizzes! While in Bowser's Inside Story, Nintendo Power says that there are "tons of sidequests, much to explore, and plenty to do in the free roam overworld"

The plot. Oh boy, the plot. "So ya got Bowser and ya got Paper Bowser and they're fighting until they're like 'let's join forces' and they wanna take over the Mushroom Kingdom and it's up to the two Marios and that other green guy who has no reason to be disliked so much to stop 'em." WHOA! SLOW DOWN! THAT'S WAY TOO CRAZY, CONVOLUTED, AND UNIQUE OF A PLOT FOR ME TO COMPREHEND! Except it isn't. It's the formula Nintendo uses for the not-as-good-but-I'd-still-play-it-because-it'll-still-be-pretty-good Mario games. It feels to me that these days, Nintendo is more dedicated to sticking to the formula than making something that their players will actually enjoy and go, "Wow, that's a really good idea!" Except, maybe not, since I know practically nothing about Mario Odyssey, but I'm assuming it's an exception to what I just said.

So what could they have done to make it better? Well, in a completely honest, non-sarcastic way for me to put this: Spend more time thinking about how it could've made people like it! Here's what I was expecting before I played it: You start out in the paper world, in Paper Mario's house, when he goes over to someplace like Frankly's lab or Merlon's house or something for a tutorial battle. Then Dimentio or some guy comes out and zaps him into the real world. And like Bowser's Inside Story with the outside world and Bowser's body, and Dream Team with the real world and the dream world, the secondary world for this game could be the paper world! We could go to beloved places like Toad Town, Glitzville, Flipside, Rogueport, whatever! They could've made Paper Mario an actually interesting character to play as! They could've even brought in Kersti, and I would've been fine with it! But they just took a New Super Mario Bros game, put it in the Mario & Luigi RPG engine, and sprinkled on it the parts of Sticker Star that no one liked.

Now don't get me wrong, when I was playing it the first time around, It was really hard trying to get myself to stop playing. But after thinking about it more and thinking about amazing RPGs Nintendo made like Thousand-Year Door, Dream Team, Bowser's Inside Story, and Superstar Saga, it just felt like a really lazy and lackluster way to continue a series. I'm glad they're at least taking the time to remake the good ones, because Superstar Saga 3DS was amazing, and I'm really excited to play the Bowser's Inside Story remake, but... I don't know. Maybe you like Paper Jam. That's cool. I won't hate you. I mean, it really does have a lot of redeeming qualities, like Papercraft battles, the funny dialogue (it was hilarious when Starlow gave Luigi the pep talk in Gloomy Woods), the unique quirks each boss battle has, and the best thing of all: No tutorials! I just felt like it could've been something more, y'know? Anyway, I hope I didn't bore you with 8 paragraphs of over-exaggerated rants and opinions, but that's basically what a review is. So... what do you think of this game?