It’s Ticket Day In Plainwood, that one day every month where all citizens are pitted against each other in terms of likeability! And the most likeable gets to tell a story on the radio!

Content Warnings

• mild language
• occult
• slapstick violence
• references to execution

Cold Open

[Scene: Patrick and Eileen are sleeping in their rooms in the apartments above the Everoak, and Morgan is knocking on their doors to urgently wake them up]

MORGAN**:** Guys! Wake up! There’s something really cool going on in the center of town!

EILEEN**:** [opens door] [groggily] Morgan, is this something that can wait until morning?

MORGAN**:** It is morning, Eileen.

EILEEN**:** Morning starts at sunrise.

MORGAN**:** It’s November in the arctic. Sunrise isn’t until 9.

EILEEN**:** Exactly.

PATRICK**:** [opens door] [just woken up, groggily] What’s going on?

MORGAN**:** Well, I was doing my morning jog and I overheard someone saying that there’s gonna be a public stoning in the town square! That’s so cool! I haven’t been in a public stoning since those music festivals in college. We would get absolutely blasted and destroyed there!

PATRICK**:** Morgan, I don’t think you know what “public stoning” means.

MORGAN**:** I think I would know, Patrick. Me and my college buddies would get publicly stoned all the time. And it was lit! C’mon! We don’t wanna miss it!

[Transition to town square]

[People are throwing tiny pebbles at a person in the center of the square]

KYLE**:** [on a megaphone] Keep throwing your stones, everyone! This is what they get for living in a house that’s not made of wood! People who live in glass houses get stones thrown! [Tosses a pebble] Gyah! [to himself] I think that’s what that saying is.

TOWNSPERSON 1: Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop it! These tiny pebbles are irritating me slightly!

MORGAN**:** See? Isn’t this so cool?!

PATRICK**:** [confused] You weren’t talking about getting high?

MORGAN**:** [as if Patrick had the weirder idea] Why would I be? I told you, we would do this stuff at music festivals.

EILEEN**:** [concerned] What kind of music did you listen to?

MORGAN**:** [genuinely] Mainly rock. [Beat] [abruptly transitions] Hey, look! Jordon Daly’s on!

Radio Intro

[Scene: Jordon is presenting into the radio]

JORDON**:** Plainwood, arise and awaken! I am in a particularly good mood today, and I hope you all are too! It’s Ticket Day! Yes sir, it is finally the first of the month yet again, which means we should be expecting those pyrite-plated envelopes crashing through our windows any moment now! Just opening them makes me excited! Not only do I get the monthly wage I need to survive here in this bleak village atop an even bleaker mountain, but I also get a personal copy of last month’s merit survey!—see just how well I’ve been stacking up against everyone else. I hope this time, I finally end up getting more tickets than Finley here at the station. Ever since he brought in those godawful expired candies, me and Barri made a pact to vote him as a Two this month.

FINLEY: [off-screen] Let it go! They were pushpins!

JORDON**:** [away from mic] They were hard and multicolored, Finley! You can’t expect us not to try them! [to audience] Anyway, Ticket Day is a wonderful time of month where we all get our Merit Tickets based on those surveys that everyone fills out about us. And who doesn’t love getting to cash in those tickets for all those super special Plainwood perks! I’ve been saving mine up so I can finally buy that fancy-cool lava lamp from the Plainwood Prize Shop and Reward Emporium. Due to the economical crisis we’ve been going through, a single lava lamp now costs 115 tickets. 115! I remember when they were only 30.

JORDON**:** Anyway, Plainwood, as much as we all love to get those monthly ticket envelopes, Ticket Day is not just fun and games. No sir, Ticket Day is serious business! Now I know, I know, you all hate these history lessons, but we need to remember why we celebrate Ticket Days in the first place! Long ago in the days well after Heather Monnelley founded our town, we got our first demonic encounter. Was it Marion Marley? Nah, that can’t be, Marley was like twenty-something years ago, right?

FINLEY: I vividly remember reading about him at school. And I was in the class of ‘84.

JORDON**:** Maybe it was Marion Marley, maybe it was another one. Whatever it was, there was this Sinister who entered our town, wearing no scarf and not even any gloves! Now this Sinister was sneaky. They made themself unknown—didn’t interact with a single person except Heather Monnelley herself. Monnelley, being the great leader she was, approached this reclusive Sinister with open arms, believing, quote-unquote, [skeptically] “Everybody deserves a chance to be seen as good.” [normal] But then right when she wasn’t looking: BAM! The Sinister latched onto Monnelley’s neck, possessed her to oblivion, and no one knew what happened to her since. And thus was the birth of our Plainwood culture of “Anything new and different is immediately scary.”

JORDON: And it was that exact moment—give or take a few months, bureaucracy and all—that the other two mayoral heads of Plainwood set up our reputation system. A beautiful system where everyone in town will always know who everyone is. Where we can view their trustworthiness and likeability in a convenient one-to-five scale! Thanks to increased radio station listeners, I got a solid four out of five last month, which means I entered October with a whopping 6000 Tickets! Subtract all the payments I needed to make for food and shelter and whatnot, and I will be so close to getting that lava lamp! As for those who are in the Category Ones this month… god speed. Talking specifically to you, Eileen.

JORDON**:** Anyway, as we await our envelopes this month, the Mayoral House has asked me to play this pre-recorded PSA concerning the etiquette when it comes to our monthly Ticket Days. So let’s pop that up in here and see what the triumvirate has to say.

[CLICK]

MATT**:** [CLEARS THROAT] Citizens of Plainwood! Hey hey! This is me, Matt Kennett, Mayoral Head of Public Safety and Relations.

ARCHIE**:** Archibald West, of Public Works and Facilities.

CLIFFE**:** And Clifton Rhubis, of Merit and Census.

MATT**:** [whispering, confused] I thought your full name was Heathcliffe.

ARCHIE**:** [whispering, embarrassed] I was told it was Clifford.

CLIFFE**:** Call me Cliffe.

MATT**:** Anyway, as we enter our monthly tabulation of merit and social credit, we would like to remind everyone the dos and don’ts of our reputation system. One: Please don’t be rude to the people who have earned less tickets than you.

ARCHIE**:** [softly correcting, more helpfully than condescendingly] Fewer.

CLIFFE**:** Even though they must have done something to deserve it.

MATT**:** [trying to ignore what Cliffe said] Y-yes, but still. Some people may have had a rough month, and it’s not your place to judge them. [backtracking] I mean, yes, technically it is your place to judge them, otherwise, this whole reputation system falls apart—but please be kind when you judge them. Ideally, even your Category Ones deserve respect.

ARCHIE**:** “Ideally.” How coincidental that a Category One would say that.

MATT**:** [to Archie, offended] Don’t remind them of that!

CLIFFE**:** I just wanna point out, the official rule is “don’t be rude,” which isn’t the same as “please be respectful.” If y’all wanna pretend they don’t exist, that’s fine with us.

ARCHIE**:** Number two: Merit Tickets are nontransferrable to those without an official seal of approval from the Mayoral Head of Merit and Census; i.e., Cliffe.

CLIFFE**:** Which means don’t go bribin’ people or makin’ bets! We consider gambling here a sin. Just like cow-tippin’.

ARCHIE**:** [to himself] The hell is a cow?

CLIFFE**:** Number three: We stand by our incentive system of the hierarchy of housing. Anybody in the one-to-one-point-nine range will be forced to live on Riverside Road, and the only way to move out would be to get a perfect five out of five the next month. And anyone with the minimum one-point-oh is livin’ in the Left Hand Statue House, no questions asked.

ARCHIE**:** Which begs the question: Matt, what in the Sinister world did you do to earn a house on Riverside Road? And across from the Hand House, no less!

MATT**:** [nervously] Well, when you’re a politician, am I right?!

[beat]

ARCHIE**:** I have no idea what that means.

CLIFFE**:** Yeah, ya lost me there.

MATT**:** Doesn’t matter. Finally, number four: any gestures with even remote implications towards Sinisters must be reported immediately to the Mayoral Office of Public Safety and Relations: me. This includes going without gloves, using any kind of manual gesture towards somebody, and especially using the left hand in any way, shape, or form. Anyone who gives us a true, non-fabricated report will have their monthly average raised by point-five points, and the perpetrator will be docked one-point-five.

MATT: Happy Ticket Day, everyone. We’ll be sending out this month’s blank surveys with your envelopes as always. Keep track of the people you interact with and send them to the Mayoral House at least five days before the end of the month.

ARCHIE**:** Remember: You can only rise up when the people around you agree that you should too. So it’s up to you to prove that to them.

CLIFFE**:** This the absolute best way to handle government and economy!

MATT**:** And we always feel better when we remind ourselves—er, you—about that!

[CLICK]

JORDON**:** Non-transferable? Well, I’m glad I got my gambling done at the Plainwood Fun-Arcade-But-Not-A-Casino-It’s-an-Arcade Arcade last month. Throughout the day, we’ll be shouting out some folks by randomly picking their names out of five different hats, one for each number scale they could have ranked—Get some citizen spotlights up in this joint! But before we do that, as part of our radio station incentive program we are now allowing all citizens ranked at a perfect five to be announced first thing in the morning and to come into the station to co-DJ with us! Our little snafu from last month taught me I need to, you know, have actual rewards for our contests, so here we are. [off-mic, To Finley] Finley, bring out the hat for the Fives! [To audience] It’s one of the fanciest hats we could find: a fedora! So you know we’re pulling out the stops for these guys!

FINLEY: Here’s the hat

JORDON**:** Excellent, Fin! Let’s see… Oh! There seems to be only one slip in here. So… we only have one perfect Five this month! If you hear your name, head on over to the Plainwood Public Radio Station. You can pick up a complimentary lapel pin and half-filled pen, and then you’ll be our co-announcer for the rest of the day! Drumroll please, Finley!

FINLEY: [POORLY IMITATES A DRUMROLL]

JORDON**:** [flatly] That was good, Fin. [normal] And our five-point-oh for the month of October was…

KYLE**:** [barges into the recording booth] KYLE LING, HEAD CATERER OF THE SNOWTONE LODGE, not to brag, HAS FINALLY ARRIVED!

JORDON**:** [exasperated] Kyle, you gotta stop slamming doors open like that. I didn’t even announce anyone yet.

KYLE**:** I’m just planning ahead.

JORDON**:** And you got past our security?

KYLE**:** [proud of himself] I can get past anyone with enough moxie and bribery.

JORDON**:** Whatever. Just don’t touch the mic, it’s still broken from the last time you were in here. [AHEM] [to audience] And our five-point-oh for the month of October was… Morgan Bailey!

KYLE**:** WHAT?!

JORDON**:** Congratulations! Morgan, come on over to the radio station, and we will get you set up pronto!

KYLE**:** [leaving the station, his voice gradually fading away] This is bull! I do all these great things for our community, and how do I get repaid? By being built up and shut down by some four-point-oh radio announcer who thinks they’re better than me? I could knock down this entire place if I wanted to…

JORDON**:** Thank you Kyle. [excitedly, to the audience] While we wait for Morgan, sit back and enjoy the soothing mellifluous melodies “Grindstone” by Great Green Goblin, as part of our adult contemporary easy listening hour! 

[CLICK]

[HEAVY SLUDGE METAL MUSIC PLAYS]

Radio-Plot Transition

[DOOR OPENS]

[MUSIC ABRUPTLY STOPS]

MORGAN**:** Hey hey!

JORDON**:** Gyah, oh my god! That was so fast! How in the Sinister world did you get past our security in less than 30 seconds?

MORGAN**:** Your security was Finley sitting on a chair and a piece of notebook paper taped to a wall that said, “Pretty please, ‘dont’ [pronounced phonetically, not as “don’t”] enter without permission.”

JORDON**:** Fair enough! So, Morgan, it’s a pleasure to officially meet you, ignoring that embarrassing “Fay’s Clinic” experience last month.

MORGAN**:** Me too! You’re my favorite media personality because Jordon Daly rhymes with Morgan Bailey!

JORDON**:** Is that the only reason?

MORGAN**:** [seriously, defensively] Yeah. I like it when things rhyme. Sue me.

JORDON**:** Can’t argue with that! So Morgan, please, tell us about yourself.

MORGAN**:** Well, I teach social skills in the Monnelley All-Purpose Schoolhouse with my best friends Patrick and Eileen! They’re probably listening to us on the radio right now! Hi Patrick! Hi Eileen!

[transition off the radio, to Patrick and Eileen sitting around]

PATRICK**:** Did you hear something?

EILEEN**:** Must have been the radio. Could you turn that down? I wanna go back to sleep.

[cut back to the radio]

MORGAN: [proud] They’re always so supportive!

JORDON**:** So Morgan, our friends at home are dying to know: how did you manage to achieve a perfect five-point-oh within two years of your time here, when that’s a feat that takes most people decades!

MORGAN**:** Well, it wasn’t easy, lemme tell ya. In fact, when I started out here, I was nothing like the person I am today. Ooh wait! Can I tell the story on air?! Or would you rather I just play some music and toy around with that soundboard you have over there?

JORDON**:** Don’t play with the soundboard, I haven’t loaded all the sounds into—

MORGAN**:** [GIGGLING while pressing buttons and multiple random sound effects play]

JORDON**:** Could you stop that?

MORGAN**:** Sorry.

JORDON**:** Morgan, our audience is practically forced to listen to whatever I present here, so if you want to drone on with some stories about your past, by all means! We’re not getting paid either way.

MORGAN**:** You don’t get paid for this?

JORDON**:** You got paid for jobs in the States, right?

MORGAN**:** Yeah?

JORDON**:** [SIGHS] Must be nice. Anyway, listeners, Morgan Bailey is here to tell us all about her first few months in Plainwood after moving from the States! [To Morgan] I’m gonna pass the mic to you, and the floor is yours. In the meantime, [urgently] I really have to use the bathroom. I trust you enough to keep our audience engaged. I’ll be back! Bye!

MORGAN**:** Well, I guess it’s just you and me, listeners! Let me paint you a picture! It was a twilight evening about two years ago. Me and my travelling buddy Patrick had just stumbled upon this quaint little village called Plainwood…

Plot Exposition

[Scene: Morgan begins telling her story. We flash back to two years ago when Patrick and Morgan had just moved to Plainwood. They are hiking up a mountain, looking for a place to stay and find food. They eventually stumble upon the Everoak Cafe and Inn in Plainwood]

PATRICK**:** This seems like as good a place as any.

MORGAN**:** I don’t know, this place gives me bad vibes. It looks like someone started designing a town by putting up planks of wood in a house-shaped fashion and then gave up halfway through.

PATRICK**:** The fountain’s nice, though.

MORGAN**:** If there was water in it, sure, but it looks like it’s filled with salt. Do people even live here?

PATRICK**:** They have to, I swore I saw smoke and lights up ahead. Let’s just go around and see who can help us.

[Patrick and Morgan walk around]

PATRICK**:** [to a townsperson] Hi! Excuse me, do you think—

TOWNSPERSON 1: [SCREAMS AND RUNS AWAY]

MORGAN**:** [to another townsperson] Hello! Hi! Can we ask a quick—

TOWNSPERSON 2: [SCREAMS AND RUNS AWAY]

PATRICK**:** [to another townsperson] Yo! Where can we find—

TOWNSPERSON 3: [SCREAMS AND RUNS AWAY]

TOWNSPERSON 4: I DON’T KNOW THESE PEOPLE! CHEESE IT, EVERYONE!

[the rest of the Townspeople scramble and run off. DOORS LOCK and WINDOWS CLOSE]

MORGAN**:** Did we do something wrong? All I did was wave at them.

PATRICK**:** Let’s just find another place. There’s bound to be someone who’ll accommodate us. [STEPS onto a bridge over a RUSHING RIVER] [LIGHTLY SHRIEKS] Gah, jesus, careful, Morgan! This bridge looks like it could crumble over any second.

MORGAN**:** [reading a street sign] “Riverside Road.” Huh. This place looks even rattier than the rest of the town. Look at that house. And that statue! Is that supposed to be a hand?

PATRICK**:** It’s… extraordinarily distressing to look at. That building across the street looks promising though! [reading a sign] “Everoak Cafe and Inn: Where Comfort Comes First.” I mean, it’s the only place on this street with actual solid walls and central heating, so worth a shot, right?

MORGAN**:** I’m willing to try anything.

[MORGAN and PATRICK enter the Everoak]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

MORGAN**:** [to Patrick] Ooh, this place is so warm and inviting! I like those friendly, homey feels. Yellow wallpaper everywhere, cozy fireplace, and—beanbag chairs! I call the blue one! Where do we sign in?

PATRICK**:** There’s a reception desk over here!

MORGAN**:** [to Dawn at the reception desk] Hi! How’s it going?

DAWN**:** [cautiously] Erm… good evening. What can I do for you?

PATRICK**:** Long story, but we got lost, found this place, and needed somewhere to stay. Do you have any rooms available?

DAWN**:** Sure, we have plenty of rooms. What’s your number?

PATRICK**:** Um, I’m 38 years old, she’s 24.

DAWN**:** No, I mean, like, from one to five.

PATRICK**:** I am… three-cubed plus three-times-four minus one? And she is three times two times four?

DAWN**:** [politely correcting] What’s your reputation number? I can’t help you if I don’t know your monthly score.

PATRICK**:** We’re not from around here.

DAWN**:** Okay, I’ll write you two down as ones for now. Which, luckily for you, means your room is free.

MORGAN**:** Oh! Are… are you sure?

DAWN**:** Positive! I run the Everoak here as a charity. I let all one-point-nines or lower come here for free, from the food to the rooms. It’s the least I could do for people forced to live on this hideous Riverside Road. Y’all ever seen that statue of that left hand right across the street? That thing’s known to give you nightmares if you stare into its palm for too long.

MORGAN**:** Well that’s so nice! Here take 50 dollars as a tip, I insist!

DAWN**:** Thanks, but we don’t really need green portraits of white people.

PATRICK**:** Are you not part of the States?

DAWN**:** We’re not part of anything.

MORGAN**:** Oh, so what, like, currency do you take?

DAWN**:** We’re a reputation-based economy. The more people like you, the more stuff you can get. This whole Everoak charity thing has actually gotten me up to a three-point-five! Last month, I got about 5000 Merit Tickets! That’s how I afforded those hundred sixty-six lava lamps in the corner over there.

MORGAN**:** Impressive. That’s a normal amount of lava lamps.

PATRICK**:** [skeptically] That sounds… toxic, to say the least. So your worth isn’t based on what you do, but what others think about you? That sounds biased against us antisocial people.

DAWN**:** It sort of is, but we’ve learned not to complain. See those two over there? Vivian and Eileen. Love both of them to death, but they can’t for the life of them escape their Category One ranking. So they’re forced to live here on Riverside, among other unfair consequences. They can’t even go into town square without a chaperone of Category Three or above.

PATRICK**:** Jesus, what’d they do?

DAWN**:** Vivian believes in science and is a vehement demon-denier, and Eileen… Well, Eileen is a Pritchett. The Pritchett name is pretty much just a curse here.

MORGAN**:** I’d hate to be them.

PATRICK**:** You all… believe in demons?

DAWN**:** A hundred percent! We call them Sinisters here. Typically, the procedure would be to report both of you for being a newcomer, since no one comes to Plainwood anymore without some demonic ulterior motive, but unless it’s an emergency, I can’t call Matt Kennett this late at night. [switches topics] Anyway, want some dinner? I have muffins!

MORGAN**:** [excitedly] If I say yes, will I get a reputation point?

DAWN**:** Sure.

MORGAN**:** Then yes! C’mon, Patrick, join in! It’s like a game you have to play for the rest of your life!

PATRICK**:** If you want people to be watching and judging you like you’re in the freaking Colosseum, by all means. I’ll keep my dignity, though.

MORGAN**:** Oh! If I talk to those two over there, can we all get extra points?

DAWN**:** You can try, but Category Ones can’t vote in the surveys.

MORGAN**:** Oh, wait, am I allowed to talk to them? I don’t want to break any rules here.

PATRICK**:** Morgan, they’re humans, of course you can talk to them.

MORGAN**:** [defensively] I was asking… uh… [reading nametag] Dawn! I was asking Dawn! And I gotta say, Dawn, it was great meeting you! Put ‘er there!

DAWN**:** [shocked but composed] We… we don’t do… whatever it is you’re doing right now.

MORGAN**:** You don’t do handshakes?

DAWN**:** [scared] No, I don’t even know what a handshake is.

MORGAN**:** Well how about a fistbump?

DAWN**:** [COWERS] Gyah, keep that thing away from me!

MORGAN**:** Not into the fistbump, huh? How about a high-five? Or maybe just a wave?

DAWN**:** I-I’m sorry, I have an important call I need to make.

MORGAN**:** Don’t leave me hanging, dude!

PATRICK**:** Morgan, stop tormenting the poor innkeeper—oh crap. We’re making a scene. Now those women are staring at us.

MORGAN**:** Really? Where are th—

PATRICK**:** [panicking but trying to hide it] D-don’t look back at them! You’re gonna make an even bigger scene. Quick, pretend you’re looking at your phone.

MORGAN**:** I don’t have—

PATRICK**:** [impatiently] Just use a graham cracker—virtually indistinguishable.

[cut to EILEEN and VIVIAN, who are pretending to work and avoiding eye contact with PATRICK and MORGAN.]

VIVIAN**:** What an odd pair of people.

EILEEN**:** [SIPPING from water] [whispers to Vivian] Are they still looking at us?

VIVIAN**:** They’re playing with graham crackers. [beat] You know, for someone dedicated to pretending to work, you have been staring at those two since they came in.

EILEEN**:** Have I? I’ve been zoning out.

VIVIAN**:** I can introduce you to them if you want.

EILEEN**:** Don’t. Never be the first to talk. That makes you the host—the one inviting everyone else.

VIVIAN**:** Yes, I guess that would be a problem if they were vampires.

EILEEN**:** Did you see what that girl did?

VIVIAN**:** Who, the one who looks like she dipped her hair in a vat of cotton candy?

EILEEN**:** Yeah. She [HOLDING BACK SADISTIC CHUCKLES] She actually waved her hand at Dawn.

VIVIAN**:** [holding back laughter, embarrassed and scandalized] Oh my god. They really aren’t from around here, are they?

EILEEN**:** Can’t wait until she makes that same mistake in front of Matt!

VIVIAN**:** Oh damn! Matt is gonna go down her throat for that!

EILEEN**:** Either that or he’ll run off, flailing, and diving into a bush. Either way, it’s gonna be fun to watch.

VIVIAN**:** You know, I’ve never seen someone wave at someone without wanting to tell them off. Is that an American thing?

EILEEN**:** I think so. It’s another way to greet someone. They all say [skeptically] “hello” to people and wave their hands when they see each other. If they did that here, they’d basically be saying “salutations” and then spitting in our face.

VIVIAN**:** Ah, those poor naive Americans. They’re in for a rude awakening here.

EILEEN**:** Go ask Dawn to whip up some popcorn, I am perfectly fine watching their blunders from afar, as long as they don’t—[increasingly panicking] crap, they’re coming over to our table! Crap crap crap! Hide me, Vivian! Vivian, hide me!

VIVIAN**:** What do you want me to do? Cover you with a napkin?

EILEEN**:** I don’t care! Just—

MORGAN**:** Hello! Nice to meet you! Dawn told me all about you, and guess what? I’m a Category One now too!

EILEEN**:** [scared, whispering to Vivian] She waved at me. Should I spit in her face?

VIVIAN**:** [whispering back to Eileen] I’m ignoring you. [To Morgan] Hey, a score like that is not something to brag about, but good for you I guess. My name is Vivian, and I gotta say, I have never met a non-Plainwooder before! Tell me everything! Where are you from? What are your pastimes? DO YOU BELIEVE IN SCIENCE?!

EILEEN**:** Jesus, Viv, don’t scare them off.

VIVIAN**:** Sorry! We don’t get, like, any visitors here at all! I just got excited! How’d you stumble upon this place?

PATRICK**:** Have you ever gone on a journey of self-discovery before?

EILEEN**:** Nope. Sounds like it involves poetry and talking about each other’s feelings.

PATRICK**:** Honestly? Not too far off. I have a rotting doctorate in math and she’s an art school dropout. We’re basically just hippies who wanted to wander around to see if we could “find ourselves.”

EILEEN**:** And, eh, what’d’ja find?

PATRICK**:** That wandering Canada and Alaska without a destination is a bad idea.

MORGAN**:** Apparently, Patrick’s PhD here stands for “pretty horrible directions.”

PATRICK**:** I give directions clear as day, this jerknut here just doesn’t listen.

EILEEN**:** [to herself, impressed] “Jerknut,” I’m using that from now on.

MORGAN**:** So, we got lost, and this was the closest place with lights and smoke that we could crash for the time being. It seemed friendly enough.

EILEEN and VIVIAN: [holds back laughter]

VIVIAN**:** I wouldn’t consider Plainwood “friendly,” but different strokes for different folks, I guess. I mean, you’re lucky you met someone like Dawn and not, say, Kyle.

[Cut outside the cafe to Kyle in the middle of a telling a funny story to a friend]

KYLE**:** —and then I said, “Gas burner? I barely know her!” ‘Scuse me for a second. [To the gang, angrily] Yo! I hear you mentioning my name back there! That’s so rude to summon me without including me in the conversation! Some people have feelings, you know! Don’t close the blinds on me! I’m still talking!

[Cut back]

MORGAN**:** He seems nice…?

PATRICK**:** He reminds me of a young me.

MORGAN**:** Hey yeah, speaking of being friendly, what was up with Dawn? They didn’t really seem to like it when I tried to shake their hand. What was up with that?

VIVIAN and EILEEN**:** [holding back laughter]

EILEEN**:** [blatantly lying] No clue, my dude. They’re a fickle one, that Dawn.

PATRICK**:** [seeing through their ruse perfectly] You know something we don’t, don’t you?

EILEEN**:** I have no idea what you’re talking abou—

[Eileen’s PHONE RINGS]

MATT**:** [on the phone] Hey hey! Eileen! It’s Matt! Listen, I just wanted to check in because I got an anonymous call from Dawn saying that some newcomer actually waved her ungloved left hand at them?! And you know I trust you more than Dawn, which is why I’m calling you to confirm. Don’t tell them I said that, and especially don’t put this on speakerphone.

EILEEN**:** Wouldn’t dream of it, Matty.

MATT**:** [on the phone] Oh good, good. So, is what Dawn said true?

EILEEN**:** That there’s a newcomer in town? Yeah, their names are—[to Patrick and Morgan]—what are your names?

PATRICK**:** Patrick

MORGAN**:** Morgan.

EILEEN**:** [to Matt] Their names are Patrick and Morgan. Heeeeyyyy! You should come welcome them, being our Head of Public Relations and all!

MATT**:** [on the phone] Hey, You’re right! I’ll be right over!

EILEEN**:** I didn’t say where we are—

[phone HANGS UP]

[DOOR SLAMS OPEN]

MATT**:** [in person] [abruptly and excitedly] I’m here!

EILEEN**:** [scared yet impressed] How the hell did you do that?

MATT**:** I always watch through the windows of the Everoak at this hour. You know this. [Turns towards Patrick and Morgan] And you must be the newcomers! Kathy and Joe…quinn…tha…min…? Right?

PATRICK**:** [sarcastically, flatly] Yep, that’s us: Kathy and Joquinthamin.

MORGAN**:** No, I’m Morgan Bailey, and this is Patrick Wells.

MATT**:** [impressed] Patrick Wells! Well damn, it looks like we’ve got some competition now for the best-dressed redhead with a last name that begins with W-E.

[cut to the mayors’ office]

ARCHIE**:** [calling across the room] [scared and uneasy] Erm… Cliffe?

CLIFFE**:** What’s up, my good old, all-the-time redheaded friend and coworker, Archibald West?

ARCHIE**:** I feel like something within me just died a little bit. I don’t deserve to wear this top hat anymore.

[cut back to the cafe]

MORGAN**:** So, are you the governor of this place? Or, like, president or mayor or…?

MATT**:** [happily, excitedly] Mayor. Well, one of them anyway. I’m Matt Kennett, Mayoral Head of Public Safety and Relations! We’re a triumvirate here.

PATRICK**:** [confused] Like… ancient Rome?

MATT**:** [happily] Just like ancient Rome! We actually based our government, caste system, public baths, and superstitions on it! [proudly] It is the greatest empire in the world; that is, until it crumbled apart completely.

PATRICK**:** Do you foresee that happening to this place any time soon?

MATT**:** Absolutely not! We’re the perfect city-state, and the fact that we’re completely off the grid and secluded from any other country protects us from outside influences like war and foreign intervention and communication and whatnot.

PATRICK**:** Is that why this place seems like it’s stuck in the 17th century?

MATT**:** 17th century? Don’t be silly! It’s at least a few years after that!

PATRICK**:** [whispers to Morgan] Are we sure we wanna stay here of all places?

MORGAN**:** [whispers back to Patrick] Where else are we gonna go? At least this place has a café and inn.

MATT**:** No no, but seriously, you two are gonna love it here! Eileen, Vivian, back me up! Isn’t this the best place to live?

VIVIAN**:** I wouldn’t know, Matt. Between you, me, and Eileen, the three of us have been forced to live completely isolated from the rest of the town on a road that has zero public facilities and is allegedly haunted by demons, all because the rest of the town agrees that we should live here.

MATT**:** [interrupts Vivian] [CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY] Ignore her! She’s a doctor—you know how doctors are. Anyway! Morgan, Patrick, pleasure to meet you. I’ll get you situated with your citizenship papers right away! What’s your country of origin?

PATRICK**:** The United Dexterous States.

MATT**:** Ah, the States! I’ve always wanted to check out other countries and see their customs and cultures. You know, here in Plainwood, we greet people by saying “Hey hey!” How do you do it?

PATRICK**:** [BEGGING MORGAN TO STOP]

VIVIAN and EILEEN**:** [SNICKERING]

MORGAN**:** Well, normally, I say, “Nice to meet you!” And then I stick out my arm like this, and we grab onto each other’s hands. It’s called a shake.

MATT**:** [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Ha, it’s funny there. For a second, I could have sworn you just grabbed me with your ungloved hand. I have half a mind to arrest you for that, but then again, the other half of my mind is infected with a demonic mind leech that I have to actively repress every day, so I can’t really tell what’s real anymore anyway.

EILEEN**:** [whispering to Matt] No no. I see it too. I think she’s insulting you.

MATT**:** OH MY GOD, IT’S REAL! SHE’S REALLY SHOWING HER HAND TO ME! SOMEONE HELP! CLIFFE! ARCHIE! ANYONE!

DAWN**:** I got her!

[Dawn takes a cloth napkin and wraps it around Morgan’s wrists like a handcuff]

MORGAN**:** Hey—let—let go of me!

PATRICK**:** [scared] Morgan?!

MATT**:** Morgan, I’m sorry, but you have to come with me. This is just our procedure.

MORGAN**:** Patrick!

PATRICK**:** Morgan!

[Door SLAMS in Patrick’s face and Patrick falls on the floor]

PATRICK**:** Ow. [Gets up off the floor] [to Vivian and Eileen] [angry] What the hell is wrong with you two?! You saw this innocent woman getting hauled away and you just sat there and pretended to type on a computer? No wonder you two are the lowest of the low! 

EILEEN**:** [shrugs] That’s how it goes here. People get hauled away all the time and nothing ever comes of it.

PATRICK**:** [angry] But when there is obviously a right thing to do, it’s your duty to d—[interrupts self and pauses to think] [shocked and slightly confused] wait, “all the time”?

VIVIAN**:** Yeah. It’s pretty much the norm here. The way Matt works, “arrests” are just for show.

EILEEN**:** Yeah. Safest thing to do is butt out. She’ll be back in less than a day. I can’t count the times I got hauled away for waving at someone. There was this one time I threatened a whole angry mob rioting against me and Viv that I was gonna “possess” them, Matt pulled me into his office, told me, “don’t do it again,” and that was that.

VIVIAN**:** Yeah. And remember that time back when we were still together, Leen? Matt, Cliffe, and Archie got elected last year and you were looking for some purpose in life. [to Patrick] She thought the best first welcome gift was to flip off all three mayors at once.

PATRICK**:** Is that legal?

EILEEN**:** What does “legal” mean?

VIVIAN**:** I think it’s an American term. “Of or relating to laws.”

EILEEN**:** Oh. Ha! Yeah, no, Plainwood doesn’t have laws here.

PATRICK**:** [concerned] It seems like they do.

EILEEN**:** Nah, Matt believes that “laws are too restrictive” and “hold back people’s agency.”

VIVIAN**:** [spitefully] But the last thing Plainwood needs is people thinking their actions don’t have consequences.

PATRICK**:** So… Plainwood is an anarchist state?

EILEEN**:** Not necessarily. In place of laws, we have “natural consequences for certain actions.”

PATRICK**:** [scared] And… What is the “natural consequence” for showing your hand in public?

EILEEN and VIVIAN**:** Hmm…

EILEEN**:** I don’t really keep up with politics, it’s pretty much whatever whim Matt has up his sleeve that given day. But Patrick, you seem like you weren’t raised in a dumpheap, so I’m sure we can get on the same wavelength here. You’re worrying for nothing.

PATRICK**:** I can’t stand by and let it happen, though.

EILEEN**:** I promise you that you can. I have known Matt for as long as I can remember. Everything’s gonna be… well, not okay, but… normal.

Radio Sponsor

[Scene: Flash forward to the present. Jordon has returned and the radio is presenting]

JORDON**:** I’m back, listeners!

MORGAN**:** [concerned] How long was that bathroom break?

JORDON**:** Time is a construct, Morg. Mind if I call you Morg?

MORGAN**:** Fine by me.

JORDON**:** Awesome! Morg, I’m sort of losing the plot right now. Didn’t you say you were nothing like how you are now? It seems like you were pretty much the same bubbly person you’ve always been.

MORGAN**:** Oh. [CHUCKLES] Maybe I was. It’s hard to keep track of things that happened, like, two years ago. I can’t even remember what I had for breakfast today.

JORDON**:** You’re not one of those “unreliable narrator” types I keep hearing about, are you?

MORGAN**:** [thinking] [innocently] Mmm, I don’t consider myself one.

JORDON**:** I’ll take it! [to the listeners] More on Morgan’s story soon, but first, a word from our sponsor!

[CLICK]

MATT**:** [sympathetically] Are you sad? Alone? Depressed? Anxious? Nervous? Paranoid? Stuck? Feeling like you don’t fit in? That you’ll never fit in? Are you stuck in a rut? That you don’t know what to do with your life? Are you insecure? Unsafe? Scared your friends actually hate you? That you don’t actually love your partner? That the world is a simulation or at the very least scripted and staged? Are you suffering from traumatic episodes? Are you suffering? Do you suffer? Do you bleed? Do you fear you’re nonexistent? Like your life is a hallucination or image in a collective subconscious?

MATT**:** [sympathetically] If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are not alone. [happily] We all feel this way. Glad to know you’re keeping up the status quo! Keep up the good work!

VOICEOVER: This ad, brought to you by the Plainwood Office of Safety and Relations.

[CLICK]

MORGAN**:** Awfully morbid ad.

JORDON**:** [happily] Yes it is!

Radio Shoutouts

JORDON**:** Well, it’s just about that time for some more hat-rifling! Morgan, would you like to do the honors and read out some of this month’s shout-outs for Ticket Day?

MORGAN**:** I would love to! What do I do?

JORDON**:** Well, we got some hats filled with all the names of people less popular than you. Just stick your hand in, pull out a name, and read out loud their full name without consent. This microphone thingy will do the rest!

MORGAN**:** Sort of sounds like public shaming if you think about it.

JORDON**:** Don’t think about it, then!

MORGAN**:** That’s even easier!

JORDON**:** Just a reminder, our citizens will get their usual tickets and a special reward that changes each month! This month’s prizes for our Category Fours include a free coupon and a free sample! The coupon is for anything and the sample is from anything!

MORGAN**:** Alright, let’s see… [rifles through hat] Our random spotlights for Plainwood’s fours in October are… Innkeeper Dawn Simone with a four-point-one—hey way to go, Dawn! I know them! Next up is Pro Golfer Lenny LaRue with a solid FOUR!, and Head Caterer of the Snowstone Lodge—a very brag-worthy title—Kyle Ling! With a four-point-nine!

KYLE**:** A FOUR-POINT-NINE?!

JORDON**:** How did you get past our security again?

KYLE**:** It’ll take a lot more than throwing me out of a room to get rid of Kyle Ling. Trust me. If it were that easy, Matt Kennett would have banned me from his office years ago!

MORGAN**:** Kyle, a four-point-nine is still really good!

KYLE**:** SAYS THE FIVE-POINT-OH! Cherish your five-point-oh, Morgan Bailey! Guest-hosting on the radio show isn’t the only perk you get! Discounts at stores and restaurants, immunity from trials, editor access to our public records, and a whole three months of vacation days that you have to use in that single month!

MORGAN**:** How does that even work?

KYLE: [genuinely answering the question] Trade secret. [Annoyed and angrily] Do you know what I used those vacation days for, Morgan Bailey?!

MORGAN**:** Don’t you use them to barge into Matt Kennett’s office and bully him?

KYLE**:** EXACTLY! And I know Goody-Two-Shoes Bailey over here is going to squander those vacation days by “spending quality time with family and friends” or “enjoying a luxury spa treatment and five course meal only available at the Snowstone Lodge for a limited time.”

MORGAN**:** That actually sounds pretty good right now.

KYLE**:** Great! My plugola worked!

JORDON**:** [urgently] We can’t allow plugola on the radio! This is a public station!

KYLE**:** [interrupting Jordon] LISTENERS! Go to the Snowstone! We have discounts for everyone four-point-five and above! Two-point-fives or below need not enter.

JORDON**:** [trying desperately to change the subject] Hey! Morgan! It’s just about time for you to continue your story, isn’t it? [Looking for Morgan] Morgan? Morgan?

Radio Music

MORGAN**:** Yes! This soundboard is so cool! [Grabs microphone and fakes an important sounding radio announcer voice] And our next round of music for the day is everyone’s favorite rap song: “I Like Those” by Friendly Homie Feelz.

[CLICK]

[MUSIC PLAYS]

[ABRUPT CLICK AND RECORD SCRATCH]

JORDON**:** [annoyed] Morgan, I already told you the soundboard is off-limits.

MORGAN**:** Sorry.

JORDON**:** Can you just continue your story while I run Kyle out of here?

MORGAN: Sure thing! So anyway, I was just hauled off by the mayors and they threw me into a small, dark, concrete room. I woke up the next morning completely out of it…

Plot Rising Action

[Scene: Morgan continues her story as we flash back to two years ago again, the morning after the beginning of her story. She is in the Plainwood Mayoral House in a room reminiscent of a prison cell]

MORGAN**:** Hello? Hello?! Can anyone hear me?! I don’t know where I am, but the walls are cold, mold is dripping from the ceiling, and I think there’s a skeleton sitting next to me.

ARCHIE**:** [KNOCKS on door and unlocks it] Mayor Matthew Kennett would like to see you now.

MORGAN**:** Okay… And, just so you know, I don’t have a lawyer, and I’d really not prefer to go to jail. I just got here.

ARCHIE**:** What’s “jail”?

MORGAN**:** A small room where you put criminals to punish them? Isn’t that where I am now? Heck, there’s a swinging lightbulb and bars over the window!

CLIFFE**:** [from the other room] That’s my office, and I’ll thank you to keep it how you found it! Don’t go touchin’ Wilfred the skeleton!

MORGAN**:** Okay… Weird, but at least I’m not in prison. Alright, take me to Mayor Kennett, I guess.

ARCHIE**:** [knocks on Matt’s door] Matthew, the perpetrator is here to see you.

MATT**:** [happily] Oh, great! Send her in!

MORGAN**:** Hi…

MATT**:** Hey hey! Thanks for coming in to my office on such short notice

MORGAN**:** You forced me here.

MATT**:** But you could have easily resisted or escaped, and the fact that you didn’t, tells me you use your free will responsibly!

MORGAN**:** [proud of herself] Oh, well, thank you.

MATT**:** Anyway, you’re here for committing one of the most forbidden actions in Plainwood: showing your bare left palm in public.

MORGAN**:** Right, why is that a thing, again?

MATT**:** Oh, well, allow me to go through the slideshow!

• [CLICK] Marion Marley: shook hands with everyone in Plainwood before harnessing their free will and using their bodies and mindless puppets of his own doing.
• [CLICK] White Demon: one wave of their left hand, and everyone either mysteriously disappeared or lost all five senses.
• [CLICK] Lectrica: Shot blasts of burning light off of her hands.
• [CLICK] Howard Heim: could conjure a town-wide plague with the snap of his fingers.

MATT**:** [CLICK] I have seventeen more slides, but that’s the basic idea. If we didn’t know any better, we’d think you were here to harness our souls or command shadows and nightmares or put a blight on our crops.

MORGAN**:** Do you guys have crops here?

MATT**:** [excited to talk about it] We just started, actually! We’re growing a cool new vegetable called “grass.” Not only is it calorie-free, but it also looks great on people’s lawns! [stopping himself] I’m getting off-topic. We here in Plainwood take gestures like that extremely seriously, and as the Mayoral Head of Public Safety and Relations, it’s my job to keep us safe from any possible threats. Now, any previous mayor would have just thrown you on the stake or set you up in the gallows or put you in a cage gradually lowering into the ocean to see if you sink or float. But I’m not like most mayors, and I want to take the time to get to know my citizens—and hardly ever execute them on my own volition.

MORGAN**:** Well that makes you a pretty cool mayor with a lot of humility!

MATT**:** [flattered] Oh, well, thank you. Here, take some extra Merit Tickets, that just made my day!

MORGAN**:** [to herself] This reputation game is so easy! [To Matt] So is that why you have your reputation system? Listen, I can prove to you that I’m not here to do any of those evil things. I just needed a place to rest. Can you give a gal the benefit of the doubt?

MATT**:** [somberly] I gave Marion Marley the benefit of the doubt, and he still hasn’t unclenched my soul yet. [normal] Morgan, between you and me, I don’t believe in the effectiveness of our reputation system because our worst demon in history was a perfect five-point-oh and he still possessed us all. I’ve been trying to dismantle it for ages, but I always get outvoted. The people here like their tradition.

MATT**:** Now, the humanitarian in me wants me to let you off the hook because you seem like a very nice person. Buuuuut, the desperate politician in me who is so close to escaping his Category One ranking is telling me that my own instincts don’t matter and I should pick the option that will make everyone else like me. So, please don’t think of what I’m about to do as personally directed towards you, but rather, towards my own selfish goal of boosting my popularity and not having to make my own decisions.

MATT**:** Me and my co-mayors have decided over a lengthy and productive meeting—

[Flashback a few hours ago in the offices. All three mayors are panicking and a siren is blaring in the background]

ARCHIE**:** YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING, MAN!

MATT**:** I DON’T KNOW! I JUST WANT TO KEEP SPINNING ON MY CHAIR AND SCREAMING UNTIL I THINK OF SOMETHING!

CLIFFE**:** MAKE A DECISION OR YOU GET THE SQUIRT BOTTLE AGAIN!

MATT**:** AAAAAAHHHHHHH!

[Flash forward to now]

MATT**:** —that we should give you a chance to build your reputation in town first before we decide on your consequence. If people end up liking you enough, you might even get off scot-free, who knows?

MORGAN**:** Dude, I have been training for this moment my whole life! If I can’t get these other people to like me, then tar and feather me!

MATT**:** That’s the idea, yes. So, the plan is: to remove all my responsibility and guilt, we’re gonna set you up in a trial in front of your Plainwoodian peers, and they will determine your consequence. In fact, your timing is perfect, because the angry mob just started congregating out in the park outside our offices!

CROWD: DESTROY THE WITCH! EXPEL THE WITCH! NO HANDS IN OUR TOWN!

MATT**:** [happily] Isn’t that great? It’s so refreshing not to be the target of an angry mob for once.

MORGAN**:** Yeah, but I am!

MATT**:** You get used to it. [More somberly] Trust me. [Perks up] Anyway, your trial starts in five minutes! Please exit my office and take the door on the left. As is customary, trials are mandatory for all Plainwooders to attend, so you will have a full audience! I hope you don’t have stage fright.

ARCHIE**:** [from the other room] Matt, Morgan, you’re on in four.

MATT**:** Oh crap! I gotta get my trial outfit on! Just through that door, Morgan. I’ll meet you out there. Again, don’t take any of this personally—I would love to get lunch with you one time; that is, if the people decide you survive.

MORGAN**:** Okay… [to herself while walking] This town is getting weirder and weirder by the minute. But, I’ve gone to music festivals that are just as, if not more screwed up, so I should be fine. [BREATHES DEEPLY] Just think of the trial as a game. I’m already winning so far.

[Morgan steps out onto the stage]

CROWD: [CHEER and YELL]

MORGAN**:** [QUICKLY GASPS]

MATT**:** [stammering, trying unsuccessfully to control the crowd] Alright, everyone! Settle down. Everyone, please. Settle down.

CLIFFE**:** Shove a cork in it!

[AUDIENCE STOPS]

MATT**:** Thank you, Cliffe. [announcing loudly to the whole crowd] Citizens of Plainwood!

TOWNSPERSON 2: Woo!

MATT**:** As you may or may not know, we have two new people in our town!

KYLE**:** [calling from the audience, almost as a heckler] Throw ‘em off the mountain!

ARCHIE**:** [sternly] We don’t do that anymore, you cretin [pronounced cret-in]!

KYLE**:** That’s pronounced “cre_tin,” [cree-tin] thank you very much!_

ARCHIE**:** [whispering to Matt and Cliffe] Why do we mandate a full crowd for these again?

CLIFFE**:** I’unno, this is why I don’t believe in trials. Just cut out the middle man and go with your gut.

MATT**:** [CLEARS THROAT] [projecting voice to the whole crowd] Now, one of them was caught flashing her hand at me. And we know not all hands do the nicest things. As far as we know, this newcomer could make—I don’t know—explosions with one snap of her fingers. And without her gloves, there’s no way for us to be protected from that. Are we going to stand for this?!

[crowd is awkwardly quiet]

MATT**:** [nervously, repeating himself for emphasis] Are we going to stand for this?

TOWNSPERSON 3: [COUGHS]

CLIFFE**:** [taking over for Matt] Are we going to stand for this?!

CROWD: [YELL and SCREAM]

MATT**:** [to Cliffe] I don’t know why that never works when I do it. [to audience] No, we are not going to stand for this! Plainwood, I present to you… Morgan Bailey!

CROWD: Boooooooooo!

ARCHIE**:** Please refrain from making any ghost-related noises in times of crisis.

MORGAN**:** [softly and meekly] Hi everyone.

MATT**:** And on the other side of the stage… CLIFFE, ARCHIE! BRING OUT THE WHEEL AND THE SCOREBOARD!

[GAMESHOW-TYPE MUSIC PLAYS]

ARCHIE and CLIFFE: [GRUNTING, pushing a giant scoreboard onto the stage]

MATT**:** [to Morgan] Ah, you know, this is my favorite part of being in charge of public safety and relations, Morgan. I get to invent new ways to keep trials engaging. Plus, we spent our yearly budget on that scoreboard and that gameshow-type music, so we might as well put some use to it.

MATT**:** [to crowd] People of Plainwood, make some noise!

CROWD: [SILENCE]

MATT**:** Dammit. Cliffe, a little help?

CLIFFE**:** People of Plainwood, make some noise!

CROWD: [CHEER]

MATT**:** Now, the rules of the trial are simple: Morgan here is going to spend every turn spinning this wheel that Cliffe carved. Her goal in each challenge is to earn as many Reputation Points as possible, as determined by you, the audience. At the end of the game, Morgan’s total reputation score will determine her [AHEM] natural consequence. Any questions, Morgan?

MORGAN**:** Oh, damn, so this is a literal game show. That’s some creative thinking, Matt. You’ve got an active imagination!

MATT**:** Already, Morgan is starting off the trial with a compliment! That brings her up to two points out of a maximum of five.

CROWD: Boooooooooo!

MORGAN**:** Why are you booing me? I gave him a compliment!

KYLE**:** [shouting from the audience] A real Plainwooder doesn’t compliment Category Ones! We ignore them! Dock two-point-one points from her!

MORGAN**:** What?! That’s not fair!

ARCHIE**:** The crowd has spoken. Morgan now has gone from a two to a negative point-one.

[BEEP]

MORGAN**:** Oh come on!

MATT**:** Sorry, I’m just a politician, I don’t make the rules. Oh, and before we start, I see we have my lovely cousin Eileen in the audience today! Everyone give her a big smile!

CROWD: [INSULTS and TELLS her off]

EILEEN**:** [sarcastically, shouting back to Matt] Thanks for shoutout, Matt. Really appreciate ya.

MATT**:** [CHUCKLES nervously] Sorry. [to Morgan] Alright, Morgan, are you ready to…

CROWD: SPIN! THAT! WHEEL!

MORGAN**:** [to herself] If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, I guess. [Pumped up and excited] Alright! Let’s do this!

[WHEEL SPINS]

CROWD: [reading aloud the category on the wheel] “GREETINGS!”

MATT**:** Yes, Morgan, your first category is “Greetings!” Rules are simple: just greet the audience!

MORGAN**:** Oh! Perfect! [To herself] Just gotta make sure I don’t wave my hands, and… [AHEM] Hi, everyone! It’s nice to meet all of you! My name is Morgan Bailey, and I’d ask all of your names, but I think we’d be here all day. But, you know, just wanted to say hello, and… sorry we had to meet like this, but let’s keep up some time if I survive!

CROWD: [GASP] [BOO]

[BEEP]

MATT**:** [in a gameshow host voice] Oohh, I’m so sorry Morgan, that is incorrect! Not only do we greet people by saying “hey hey” instead of [skeptically] whatever “hi” or “hello” means, [normal], but it was also a trick question: we only greet people we know and respect. If it’s someone you don’t, you just put your head down and keep walking.

MORGAN**:** How do you meet new people then?

MATT**:** I’m not sure I understand the question. Anyway, Archie, that is minus two tenths of a point for Morgan.

MORGAN**:** Why are we doing this in tenths?

MATT**:** So far, Morgan Bailey is trailing behind with a reputation of negative zero-point-three. With a reputation like that, let’s see what our audience thinks the consequence should be so far:

KYLE**:** Throw her off the mountain!

TOWNSPERSON 1: Remove her hands!

TOWNSPERSON 2: Mark Twain readalong!

TOWNSPERSON 3: Shove her in the Hand House!

TOWNSPERSON 4: Only brown parts of the banana for a whole year!

MATT**:** Not looking too good, Morgan. Time to spin the wheel, maybe you can make it up.

[WHEEL SPINS]

CROWD: [reading off the wheel] “DILEMMAS!”

MATT**:** It’s time for a moral dilemma! Just choose the answer that a Plainwooder would most likely do.

MORGAN**:** I got this! I talk philosophy with my friends all the time!

MATT**:** A trolley is going down a road that is about to run over ten magicians, a jolly toymaker from the north, and your childhood teddybear. You can choose to divert the trolley, but if you do, no one is in any danger at all. What do you do?

MORGAN**:** I feel like I would… divert the trolley.

CROWD: [YELLS]

[BEEP]

MATT**:** Sorry, Morgan. Our crowd has spoken. Plainwooders are more likely to watch things happen and run their course if the other option is to step up and take action. That’s a tenth of a point away from you, bringing you to negative zero-point-four. Not looking good, Morgan. And it looks like our audience is already making picket signs saying “Burn the witch!” so the stakes are pretty high!

[cut to Patrick, Vivian, Dawn, and Eileen, sitting in the audience]

PATRICK**:** That was a pretty clever pun but a disgusting answer to that question.

EILEEN**:** But we were right, weren’t we?

PATRICK**:** I thought you said not to worry about Matt! He’s gonna destroy her if no one steps up and defends her.

VIVIAN**:** Matt’s a humanitarian at heart but a follower above all else.

EILEEN**:** Come on, Pat. Lighten up and watch the show. Dawn made popcorn, for crying out loud!

DAWN**:** It’s banana flavored!

PATRICK**:** No, I’m going up there with her! [Walks off and quickly returns to add:] …and not just because banana flavored popcorn sounds gross.

EILEEN**:** Have fun.

[Patrick leaves and runs up to the stage]

EILEEN**:** [to Vivian] Why was he sitting here with us, again?

VIVIAN**:** No clue. He sort of makes a good point though. Why should we sit back and watch?

EILEEN**:** Because doing nothing is the easiest thing in the world.

VIVIAN**:** If you say so…

Radio News

[Scene: Flash forward back to the present. Finley is in the middle of a conversation with Finley before returning to the mic]

JORDON**:** [off-mic] I’m just saying, Finley, don’t put pushpins in a candy dish!

FINLEY: They were in a drawer in my desk labelled “pushpins”!

JORDON**:** That’s no excuse—oh sorry, listeners! I was distracted, as usual!

MORGAN**:** Did you end up getting Kyle out of here?

JORDON**:** We may never know. [beat] Morgan, I’m very confused how you knew what was going on in scenes you weren’t even part of.

MORGAN**:** I took some creative liberties. I know my friends, I’m pretty sure that’s what they were saying.

JORDON**:** Cool. Listeners, we’re about to announce more numbers for the month of October, but before we get into that, I do have some copy that I’m required to read on air. That’s right, they don’t hire me so I can just ramble on into a microphone all morning.

JORDON**:** Let’s start off with some sports highlights. In our village’s favorite sport of Ball-to-Stick, the Puffins beat the Grizzlies 5 to 3 last night! And you know me, I have been rooting for the Puffins since forever. MVP went to our own Tori Parker, whose skill with Stick has always been her best asset. Ball went to Stick many times last night. And when Ball goes to Stick, Stick hits Ball hard, and that’s really all that matters in the game. Honestly, I was impressed that the Puffins, our home team, managed to beat the Grizzlies, a team composed entirely of starved and territorial bears armed with wooden clubs and kneepads. I mean, yes, one human did manage to get eaten last night, but this is a game of skill, not survival, and our team’s opposable thumbs, knowledge of the game’s rules, and general situational awareness gave them a huge advantage.

JORDON**:** And also, some news with the tourism board. We now have a gift shop! We asked Bo Adebowale why she spent so much time and effort in making souvenirs when she hasn’t even finished a brochure or a slogan yet, and she responded by saying, “Hey, I had a lot of extra snow in my yard and my sister is a glassblower. Might as well use that to our advantage and start making some snowglobes now. We’re gonna etch so many people’s names into it, it’s gonna be insane!” The journalist interviewing her replied, “Well that’s great! Do you have one that says Jordon?” Adebowale took a snowglobe off the rack and showed the journalist one that was spelled, J-O-R-D-A-N, at which point this anonymous journalist tossed the snowglobe on the ground and yelled, “Not good enough!” This journalist was escorted out of the gift shop after being forced to purchase the shattered remains, in accordance with the gift shop’s motto and the passage in our Plainwood Prophecy, Article 34: “You Break it, You Buy It.” In this journalist’s defense, though, it is really hard to find a souvenir with your name on it, spelled correctly. So… we still don’t have an actual tourism board yet, but the good news is that you can now spend some loose Merit Tickets on snow globes, refrigerator magnets, and a tee-shirt that says, “I Walked on Riverside Road and Lived to Tell the Tale.”

Radio Shoutouts

JORDON**:** Morgan, it’s time to read out some numbers again. Would you care to do the honors?

MORGAN**:** I would love to! [puts on fake announcer voice again] [AHEM] Listeners, it’s time to read from Plainwood’s Category Threes and Twos for the month of October! 

MORGAN**:** In the hat for the Category Threes, we have… Dr. Patrick Wells with a three-point-oh! Hey, I know him, too! He’s my roommate at the Everoak. Patrick, if you’re listening to this, somebody needs to start taking out the trash, it’s not gonna magically transport itself to the dumpster.

JORDON**:** Morgan—

MORGAN**:** [stubbornly] Right, right. [whispering to the mic] It’s your turn, on the chore chart, Patrick. [back to normal] Anyway, next up, we have our local shoe maker, Luka Shoemaker, with a three-point-seven, and local dung shoveler Randall Baxter with a three-point-nine. For our middle-of-the-roaders, your perks for this month include an unlimited supply of lukewarm water and a free coupon for five black-licorice-flavored yogurts.

MORGAN**:** But for our less-than-middle-of-the-roaders in our Category Twos, we have one of the Blue Tall Kids with a two-point-four-six-eight, Optometrist Brad Carter with a two-six, and Ballet Dancer Micky Florence with a two-two. You all will get one less day off on the weekends and your names engraved in the toilets in our public bathrooms.

JORDON**:** Ah, the prizes and the catches are always exciting to listen to every month! That’s how you know our system works! Anyway, Morg, how does that story of yours end?

MORGAN**:** Well, I was right there in the middle of my trial, and I was doing awful! I was down to, oh, I don’t know, negative four points or so? That name-that-tune trivia really didn’t help!

Plot Climax/Resolution

[Scene: Morgan finishes her story. Flash back to two years ago, shortly after where her story left off. She is in the middle of a “name-that-tune” challenge]

[MUSIC]

MORGAN: Can I pass on this one?

MATT: You can, but that’s one negative point for you. I’m surprised you don’t know it. It’s a very popular children’s song.

MORGAN: Just dock the points and let this thing end. I can’t stand games anymore.

MATT: Fair enough. [Announcing to the crowd] Would anyone like to steal the answer for a bonus five Merit Tickets this month?

JORDON: [from the audience] “Third Eye” by the Subwoofers!

MATT: That’s correct! Cliffe, steal five tickets from one of our Category Ones this month. They’re not using them.

CLIFFE**:** Got it! I’ll go through your wallet when you’re not looking tonight.

MATT**:** Walked right into that one. Anyway, Morgan, your next challenge iiiiiiiissss…

[WHEEL SPINS]

CROWD: [reading off the wheel] “INKBLOT!”

MATT**:** Time for the inkblot test, Morgan! What do you see here on this sheet of paper?

MORGAN**:** Death, misery, no way out, and complete regret in the ungodly life choices that have led me up to this point

MATT**:** THAT’S CORRECT!

MORGAN**:** Wait, what?

MATT**:** One point to Morgan!

MORGAN**:** Was that exactly what was written on your card?

MATT**:** I’m sorry, but only the host is allowed to ask questions.

MORGAN**:** You’ve been pretty bad at enforcing that.

[BELL RINGS]

MATT**:** Ooh, you know what that bell means? It’s time to…

CROWD: GET! SALTED!

MORGAN**:** What?!

[large pile of salt dumps from the ceiling onto Morgan]

MORGAN**:** [SPITS SALT OUT OF HER MOUTH] Why is this a thing?

MATT**:** We just wanted to make sure you’re not—you know—a demon from hell. Pouring salt on our citizens at random intervals is the only way to know for sure. [to the crowd] Because, as we all know…

CROWD: [chanting word by word, with the same inflection as “spin that wheel”] SALT! IS! THE! ONLY! KNOWN! REPELLENT! FOR! DEMONIC! ENTITIES!

MATT**:** That’s correct! Three points across the board for our audience! Anyway, back to the gameshow.

MORGAN**:** That wasn’t part of the gameshow?

MATT**:** No, and we are going to have to take back that extra point for very suspiciously sputtering and spitting the salt out of your mouth. A good Plainwooder would have just swallowed it whole.

PATRICK: [yelling from the audience] That’s it, this is sick! [running up to the stage] You people here are crazy! An innocent immigrant—

ARCHIE**:** We prefer the term, “innocimmigrant.”

PATRICK**:** Whatever. She comes in from another country looking for refuge, she breaks some arbitrary social rule, and you all punish her by subjecting her to public humiliation?!

CLIFFE**:** [adding] And the threat of a possible execution.

PATRICK**:** THAT DOESN’T MAKE IT BETTER! I’ve known Morgan for years, and she is the kindest, most caring person in the world! [Drops his self-righteous tone for an aside addendum] Granted, maybe not the brightest and definitely doesn’t think before she speaks or acts, and has a pretty shoddy memory—

MORGAN**:** [flatly] You can stop defending me whenever you’d like, Pat.

PATRICK**:** I’m getting off-topic! What I’m saying is that it’s not fair to claim that she’s an evil demon just because she used her hand wrong! For god’s sake! How can you call her bad when you haven’t even given her a chance to be good?! Has your antiquated town even considered that maybe the hand you use doesn’t determine evil intention?

CLIFFE**:** Well isn’t that the “practical” thing to say, Patrick? Unfortunately for you, we’re not a pragmatic state!

ARCHIE**:** [proudly] We do everything solely off vibes!

KYLE**:** [heckling from the audience] Ha! Yeah! Look at Practical Patrick here suggesting ways that we could “improve our town for the greater good while treating everybody with the ethics and respect that all human beings deserve”! What a rube! Everybody! Laugh and wave at him!

CROWD: [MOCKING LAUGHTER]

PATRICK**:** [to himself] I hate this town. [To the crowd and mayors] Fine. Then sign me up for this trial too. If she’s going, so am I.

[Cut to Eileen and Vivian sitting and watching]

VIVIAN**:** What is he doing?

EILEEN**:** Ignoring our advice. We warned him, didn’t we? I guess Americans are more stubborn than I thought. Patrick and Morgan are gonna get a few mental scars, but that’s just a common life lesson I teach my kiddos: everyone makes mistakes.

VIVIAN**:** [scandalized] This is more than a mistake.

EILEEN**:** Mistake, blunder, fatal error, whatever you call it, you can’t prevent them. You make a mistake, you live with it and just learn to do better in the future. That’s why I removed the erasers off all my pencils and force my students to write essays in red pen: it’s the closest thing they’ll get to signing a blood oath anymore.

VIVIAN**:** I’m glad our schools did away with the blood oaths last decade.

EILEEN**:** Yeah, but it made our codes of conduct a lot less soul-binding. Let’s just wait this whole thing out and enjoy the ride. Plus, Dawn is our chaperone and we can’t go anywhere until they come back from making more popcorn.

[Cut back to the stage]

[WHEEL SPINS]

CROWD: [reading off the wheel] “HAND USAGE!”

MATT**:** Ooh, a very controversial one here in Plainwood! Hand usage! The challenge is simple: take this pen and this sheet of paper and write your name.

MORGAN**:** Oh! That’s… surprisingly simple compared to the other ones I had to do. [Writes] Here you go.

MATT**:** Judges?

ARCHIE**:** It’s good!

CLIFFE**:** It’s clean!

CROWD: It was right-handed!

MATT**:** A perfect score across the board! Yessir, Morgan Bailey, since you wrote your name clearly and with your right hand, we know for sure that you use your hands without any malicious intent. Bonus points for the little spiral on your lowercase G. That is four-point-nine points for Morgan, bringing her up to a one out of five! Still quite an abysmal score. Patrick, your turn.

PATRICK**:** Fine. Here you go.

MATT**:** Judges?

ARCHIE**:** Sloppy!

CLIFFE**:** Like a chicken!

CROWD: Right-handed again, but we don’t like it this time!

PATRICK**:** Jesus.

MATT**:** Sorry Patrick, bad handwriting in our state is a sin just one tier below waving at somebody. We’re gonna have to bring you down to a one-point-oh for that.

PATRICK**:** Of course.

[BELL RINGS]

MATT**:** Ooh, and that brings us to the end of our challenges! Our final scores are Patrick with a one out of five and Morgan with a one out of five as well! Archie, cut the gameshow music and switch to track four.

[DEMONIC CHOIR MUSIC PLAYS]

MATT**:** [deep and threatening] Morgan Bailey, Patrick Wells, you have both proven to the sovereign city-state of Plainwood that your reputation is not up to snuff. And we have extremely high snuff here. While we would love to have given you the benefit of the doubt, neither of you have proven that it’s worth it to. [Whispering to the two] Seriously, though, don’t take it personally. Let’s do lunch after this. [To the crowd] So, lovely crowd… WHAT SAY YOU?

[Silence]

MATT**:** [SIGHS]

CLIFFE**:** WHAT SAY YOU?!

CROWD: [ROARS]

PATRICK**:** This place really is like Ancient Rome.

CROWD: EX-OR-CISE! EX-E-CUTE! EX-OR-CISE! EX-E-CUTE!

MATT**:** [holding back his disappointment] This really is the hardest part of my job. Cliffe, bring out the separate smaller wheel you whittled that determines which antiquated form of execution we should use on them.

MORGAN**:** Nice knowing you, Doc.

PATRICK**:** This is what I get for standing up to make a change. And the sad part is those two women in the Category Ones are probably gonna keep sitting back, watching everything happen, and face no consequences at all.

MORGAN**:** Hey, you’re right! Uh, Mayor Matt?

MATT**:** Hm? What’s up?

MORGAN**:** Those women in the back have just as low of a reputation as us. Why do they get to watch while we’re the ones getting punished? They’ve probably done a lot worse stuff than us.

PATRICK**:** Didn’t the woman in grey actively flip off all three of you by waving her left hand at you?

MATT**:** Well… Um… You see, I guess I never really… gosh… that is a pretty big oversight, isn’t it?

CLIFFE**:** [whispering to Archie] Are these two witches or somethin’?

ARCHIE**:** [whispering to Cliffe] If they are, I’ll allow it. They make a good point.

TOWNSPERSON 3: I mean if you put Morgan’s slipups next to the whole, like, general idea of Eileen or Vivian, there’s really no comparison.

KYLE**:** Yeah, like Morgan, what, used her left hand once? Eileen shows left hands to her students!

TOWNSPERSON 4: [whispering to Matt and Archie] And Vivian goes around town completely gloveless. How can we punish someone like Morgan but let those two off scot free?

TOWNSPERSON 2: That’s backwards! I take back everything I said about Morgan and Patrick!

TOWNSPERSON 1: Everyone makes mistakes, especially if they’re from a different culture and especially if they’re not Eileen, Vivian, and Matt!

MATT**:** [excitedly] So no one gets executed?!

ARCHIE**:** Unfortunately.

CLIFFE**:** Man, I was lookin’ forward to a good ol’ fashion… [SPINS WHEEL] [reads off wheel] “chased with pitchforks and torches”!

MATT**:** Thank god! This makes my job so much easier now that I have people who agree with my initial idea. Patrick, Morgan, I hereby declare you free to go!

PATRICK and MORGAN**:** After all that?!

KYLE**:** [disappointed] We have no one to riot against now!

TOWNSPERSON 1: [shouting and suggesting] We can riot against the Category Ones!

MATT**:** [politely trying to stop them] But Eileen is my cousin! She’s done nothing wrong—

KYLE**:** Hey, why doesn’t Matt Kennett join her? He’s a Category One, too!

MATT**:** THAT’S NOT WHAT I HAD IN MIND!

CLIFFE**:** Majority rules! Archie is gonna do some math that keeps Morgan and Patrick at a solid 3.0 for this month, and then curve everyone else’s score to make it fair. Anyone good at math?

PATRICK**:** I have a PhD in math!

ARCHIE**:** Does that stand for “pretty haughty and dumb”?

PATRICK**:** No…?

CLIFFE**:** Let’s do it, then! Everyone, chant with me! ANGRY MOB! ANGRY MOB!

CROWD: ANGRY MOB! ANGRY MOB!

VIVIAN**:** That didn’t really go how I was expecting.

EILEEN**:** That went exactly as I was expecting. I said to let things run their course, and see? No consequences at all! The newbies are safe!

VIVIAN**:** No consequences besides us getting chased by pitchforks and torches.

EILEEN**:** I never said things were gonna turn out okay, I said they were gonna be normal.

VIVIAN**:** True. The three of us have been due for a riot lately.

EILEEN: You can count on Plainwood to keep up that status quo.

MATT**:** That hour of not being a target for once was so nice.

Radio Signoff

[Scene: Flash forward to the present, where Morgan concludes her story on the radio.]

MORGAN**:** And they were never seen again!

KYLE**:** Aw, what a shame. If only they were still with us today. 

JORDON**:** [Presenting into another mic] And in other news, Vivian Fay, Matt Kennett, and Eileen Pritchett have been found alive and well.

KYLE**:** Dammit.

MORGAN**:** Slow news day, huh Jordon?

JORDON**:** Hmm? Oh no, that was my shout-out for our Category Ones this month. They don’t deserve snappy commentary or witty plays on words with their numbers. And especially not a hat!

MORGAN**:** Hey, they’re my friends!

JORDON**:** You threw them under the bus.

MORGAN**:** [shrugs] Friends sacrifice themselves for one another, what can I say?

KYLE**:** Now you’re speaking my language, Morgan! Hey! Let’s start another riot! [Gradually leaving the room] Sa-cri-fice! Sa-cri-fice!

JORDON**:** Well, Morgan, I’m glad you and Patrick decided to take a stand against an unjust reputation system. If only it had worked.

MORGAN**:** Hey, I’m sure we caused some sort of meaningful change to happen.

JORDON**:** Ah, you really are an American, believing that actions have any sort of consequences at all. Well at the very least, I hope Eileen and Vivian forgave you after all that. [beat] They forgave you, right?

MORGAN**:** Oh crap, now I know why Eileen doesn’t like me.

JORDON**:** [FAKE LAUGHTER] Sure seems like you were the cause of that, yes! [announcing to microphone] Anyway, listeners, it’s just about that time again for Jorgan Dailey and Mordon Baly to sign off! Morgan, Thank you so much for coming to join us as a guest today.

MORGAN**:** Any time!

JORDON**:** And congrats on your five-point-oh again! Be sure to use those vacation days wisely!

MORGAN**:** I still don’t really understand how they work—

[SOUNDBOARD MAKES A CACOPHONY OF SOUND EFFECTS]

JORDON**:** Dammit, the soundboard is off-limits, Kyle! I’m sorry, listeners, I gotta take care of this.

JORDON and KYLE**:** [BICKERING]

MORGAN**:** Well, it looks like Jordon Daly is a little bit busy right now, so I’ll take over for them. It’s been great talking with you, Plainwood! Until next time, stay determined, stay driven, stay all right!

Plot Ending

[Scene: Morgan excitedly comes back from the radio station into the Everoak Cafe where Eileen and Vivian are sitting, covered in bandages and soot]

MORGAN**:** I’m back, everyone!

[Uncomfortable silence]

MORGAN**:** From the radio…?

VIVIAN**:** [COUGHS once]

MORGAN**:** I was co-hosting with Jordon on Arise and Awaken? Come on, guys! You must have been listening to the radio this morning, right?

[uncomfortable silence]

VIVIAN**:** Sounds like Morgan had a good morning, at least.

EILEEN**:** While you were out flaunting your five-point-oh, Viv and I are still in the low ones this month. Besides the meager fifteen-hundred Tickets, do you know what our reward was?

MORGAN**:** Gentle encouragement to keep working hard to be a positive influence in others’ lives?

EILEEN**:** Close.

VIVIAN**:** Turns out the stoning this morning wasn’t just for the glass house guy. I can’t stand this new tradition of people throwing angry mobs against me, Leen, and Matt every Ticket Day. I want to kick the person who started that tradition.

MORGAN**:** [nervously] Oh. So you guys… didn’t listen to the radio this morning, right?

EILEEN**:** No.

MORGAN**:** Ok! Cool! [Saving herself] Yeah, it was, like, super boring anyway. But I bet your morning was a total riot!