'Plainwood, Arise and Awaken - 2 - Save the Clinic'

Radio Cold-Open

[JORDON and FINLEY are not broadcasting, they are having a conversation away from the mic. FINLEY is in the other room and JORDON is calling to him from another room]

JORDON: Hey Finley? Barri? Have you tried this new stuff from the Everoak Cafe? It’s so weird!

FINLEY: [off-screen] What is it?

JORDON**:** It’s this cup of bitter juice filtered into hot water. Dawn is calling it a… coffee?

FINLEY: [off-screen] Oh yeah, I heard of that before. It’s big in the States and Europe. I thought you needed, like, coffee beans to brew it. Do they grow here in the arctic?

JORDON**:** Nah, Dawn said they made it with whatever they could find out in the woods. Nuts and leaves and soil and all that.

FINLEY: They put soil in a drink?

JORDON**:** I think so, they told me it was freshly ground.

Radio Intro

[JORDON is presenting into the mic]

JORDON**:** Plainwood! Arise and awaken! This is Jordon Daly, coming to you live from the concrete box of isolation they are calling a radio station. Honestly, this little studio booth is sort of growing on me. I can scream my lungs out, and the soundproofing is so good that only my coworkers Don and Barri can hear me. Watch! [SCREAMS]. See? Isn’t that fun?

FINLEY: [bursting in through the door] Jordon, are you being attacked by Sasquatch again?!

JORDON**:** Just doing a demonstration for our lovely listeners.

FINLEY: [leaving the room] Dammit…

Radio Giveaway

JORDON**:** Anyway, we got a great show coming up for you today. It’s been an indeterminate amount of time since our first program, and I have to say, I’m getting more and more used to the scéance behind radio technology. Sayance? Seeance? Science! That’s it. I hate that word. Just be pronounced how you’re spelled. Anyway, the science [pronounced as [sky-ents-ee] behind this is pretty cool. Did you know that it’s the same sort of technology we use to call other people on the phone?

FINLEY: [barely audible] I didn’t

JORDON: Hey wait, that gave me an incredible idea! What if we mixed… radio… and telephones?! [calling to a different room away from the mic] Oh, Finley! Finley, we are getting so many ideas churned out of this head right now, I feel as creative as a… creative thing! [returns to the mic] So, for the next hour of our show, let’s do a little game! If you happen to be the, uh, oh, I don’t know, 26th person to call us in the studio while I’m still on the air, then you’re our big winner! That oughtta drive up our listener numbers, right?

FINLEY: [from offscreen] This show is still mandatory to listen to every morning.

JORDON**:** Even better! Now you all got some incentive to actually pay attention to what we’re saying! It’s a win-win in my eyes.

Radio News

JORDON**:** And speaking of not paying attention to things that you don’t care about, let’s chime in with a brief update on what’s happening in the news. Man, I wish there were a quicker way to say “brief update on what’s happening in the news.” I’ll figure that out eventually.

JORDON**:** Anyhoo, Riverside Road is now giving one more reason to avoid it at all costs. Y’all remember Fay’s Riverside Clinic? Some of you may not even be old enough. Lemme paint a picture for those youngsters out there. Long ago, in the age of old 1999, back when throwing people on the stake had just started being socially frowned upon, a young man named Isaac Fay came to Plainwood with a dream. Well, he didn’t come to Plainwood, since… [ominously and close to the mic] nobody ever just “comes” to Plainwood anymore… [normal] He was born here. Obviously. That’s neither here nor there. Anyhoo, Isaac had this terrific idea to study this thing called… agh, dammit, how do you pronounce it? Sye-ints? Science? Science! That word’s gonna be the death of me. First person to ever believe in the stuff since his own father mysteriously left. But he decided to use this “science” for good. In a way that quote-unquote, “helps” people. By quote-unquote, “opening a clinic.”

JORDON**:** Now those of you who don’t know what a clinic is, it’s pretty much a room where people who have fallen to mysterious conditions and symptoms congregate and are taken care of by a wise shaman called a doctor. And these doctors use all kinds of gizmos and gadgets, including but not limited to flat wooden sticks, and… other things too, I imagine. The clinic had run so smoothly until August 13th the very next year. Because why wouldn’t bad stuff happen on the anniversary of our founding? We might as well stop counting years and start tracking them based on the Sinister that haunted us the August 13th of that year. Let’s see, that year was the year of the White Demon! We all remember that possession scandal! No one could see or hear for days! People were sneezing and vomiting for a week afterwards. Isaac assured us it was just a “cold,” but, I’m sorry, Isaac, we’re in a mountain in the arctic: we’re always cold here!

JORDON**:** And that’s what I hated about the Clinic. They always found some sort of way to turn these obvious symptoms of hideous encounters with Sinisters into something that you can “cure” without salt baths or leeches. If I ever get possessed, you know that I’m gonna keep throwing salt on my wounds until whatever hideous lefthanded Sinister inside me melts its way outta me.

JORDON**:** So then tell me why Isaac’s daughter, Vivian, thought it was a good idea to reopen the clinic years after medicine has fallen out of vogue? Can you believe it? Vivian Fay, of all people! Reopening a clinic that we thought had gone down its natural path. Let things die in peace, Vivian, just like your patients.

JORDON**:** Well, that at least brings me to the good news of our story: Matt Kennett recently issued a statement saying that he was going to finally close down the clinic for good! We have the press release recorded here:

[CLICK]

EXTRA 1 and EXTRA 2: [News reporters and townspeople chattering amongst themselves in a press conference]

KYLE**:** Mayor Kennett, as the head chef and caterer of the Snowstone Lodge, not to brag, I certainly am the most qualified here to ask about the world of politics and legislation. So my question for you is: why are you shutting down the clinic and what are you planning to do with it?

MATT**:** Well, that’s a two-part question, and two-part questions make me anxious, so please bear with me. The short answer is nobody has used the clinic since Vivian Fay reopened it two years ago. This whole “medical science” thing is fun in theory and all, but it’s just like horoscopes: it’s based on speculation and hunches. If you randomly blacked out and had no memory of the last few hours, would you attribute that as [overly skeptically] “drinking too much hand sanitizer and passing out because hand sanitizer is supposedly not a drink” [back to normal] or would you take the logical route and say that some guy flashed their left hand at you, latched onto your neck, and stripped you of all emotional and mental awareness for the duration of the time?

KYLE**:** The latter, obviously! There’s never been a time when I needed to go to the clinic for something that couldn’t already have been solved by a good old fashioned exorcism! Plus, the building is on Riverside Road of all places, next to that hideous statue house! A place that supposedly “cures your sicknesses” is right next door to the beacon that will summon Sinisters to bring them right back to you? Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me! And I know pyramid schemes, on account of the one I started.

MATT**:** Indeed. And Archie can’t keep pouring funds into another public facility that nobody is going to use. We already learned from that mistake a while ago when we opened that free municipal parking garage… in Plainwood… a city-state in the mountains… where nobody has ever owned or operated a car. [SIGHS but returns to a peppy mood] As you can see from this chart behind me, we have completely flattened the curve of diseases, sicknesses, and other maladies the same way that we have completely eliminated crime in our state: by ignoring it and therefore not measuring it. So the solution is simple: we shut down the clinic and replace it with something in much higher demand and much less icky: a frozen yogurt stand.

KYLE**:** Sounds disgusting.

MATT**:** We intend it to be.

ARCHIE**:** [from the background] I thought we agreed on a public bath.

MATT**:** It’ll be one of those.

[CLICK]

JORDON**:** You heard it here first, folks! [excitedly] So! [unsure of why they’re so excited] I really don’t know why I’m reporting on this. If anyone, and I mean anybody who still is breathing has even acknowledged Fay’s Riverside Clinic, good on you. Fortunately, I have never known anyone who has even set foot in the building, besides those disgusting Riverside Roaders—Which reminds me of a new segment I’m going to start: The Public Shame Hour! So, if you wanna join in on the public shaming of Riverside Roaders—specifically Eileen Pritchett, Vivian Fay, and Matt Kennett, and to a lesser degree, Dawn Simone, Patrick Wells, and Morgan Bailey—then all you need to do is point fingers and laugh. Because this is Plainwood, where manual gestures such as pointing fingers is the worst possible insult you can give somebody. In fact, if you see any of them on the street, give ‘em a big wave to really tell ‘em off!

JORDON**:** …I’m sorry, listeners, our legal department just told me that a segment like that can’t be played on the air. They don’t want me falsely calling it an “hour” when it’s only a few seconds. So, uh… hey, let’s just skip to a word from our sponsor!

Radio Sponsor

[CLICK]

VIVIAN**:** Hey hey, everyone! I’m Vivian Fay, and if you have any care in your heart, please consider donating to support Fay’s Riverside Cl—

[CLICK]

JORDON**:** Oh god, no. She paid us to do this? Screw that, it’s time to switch to the music segment instead! Coming up first, we got Mum’s Buddies with “Don’t Go Tellin’ Me Nothin’, No No.”

Plot Exposition

[Vivian, Eileen, and Patrick are sitting in the lobby of the Everoak enjoying breakfast before heading to work.]

[CLICK]

VIVIAN**:** [disappointed] I paid 75 Merit Tickets for that ad.

EILEEN**:** Do you want to call to complain? I hear they’re rewarding the 26th caller.

VIVIAN**:** Nah, it’s fine. Not the worst thing I wasted my money on.

PATRICK**:** Is the worst thing the clinic or that automatic soda machine you used once?

VIVIAN**:** I used that machine twice!

EILEEN**:** Hm! Impressive. Still more times than you used the clinic.

VIVIAN**:** Don’t be so cynical. It’s not 1999 anymore. People aren’t that opposed to bringing Plainwood to the modern world.

[Doorbell of the lobby RINGS]

KYLE**:** Greetings, heathens! I couldn’t help but notice all of you sitting down and not rioting against our mayors. Did you hear they’re thinking about letting people who own puppets vote now? What’s next?! Letting people who own dolls vote? Anyway, I’m taking my pitchfork and my torch over to Matt Kennett’s house. If anyone wants to join me, I’ll be parading and chanting incantations for the rest of the foreseeable day. See y’all!

[door SLAMS closed]

VIVIAN**:** Maybe the clinic was a bad investment.

EILEEN**:** Are you gonna swear on Isaac Fay’s grave and say that?

VIVIAN**:** My dad is still alive.

EILEEN**:** And that’s because he was a doctor! A witch shaman who gets to inject potions into people that let them live forever! Why wouldn’t that be something Plainwood would want?

VIVIAN**:** Because that’s not… how… any of that works.

EILEEN**:** Please, my two best friends are doctors, I know what they do.

PATRICK**:** Don’t drag me into this. I have a PhD in mathematics and am spending my life showing videos and giving coloring pages to elementary schoolers. I am not the person to compare her to.

VIVIAN**:** [SIGHS in despair] God, my reputation in town is so low. I just checked my social credit score, and I’m getting dangerously low enough to be forced to live in that House with the Left Hand Statue. I just wanted to do something to carry my family’s legacy.

EILEEN**:** Hey, you still have more reputation than I do. If anyone’s getting forced into my parents’ old home, it’s gonna be me. And I’m not letting that happen to either of us. Sure, the heat from the statue is unbearable and the vague lights and humming emanating from it will prevent anyone from going to sleep, but I’m especially not letting either of us see what my childhood room looked like.

PATRICK**:** You used to live in the Hand House, Leen?

EILEEN**:** Yeah, but I don’t remember any of it.

VIVIAN**:** [facetiously] Maybe you got possessed.

EILEEN**:** [warning] Don’t joke about that in front of Matt, or else he’ll force me into another salt bath.

VIVIAN**:** I’m just thankful that Dawn is kind enough to let us stay in the apartments above the cafe. This place is a lot nicer than any other place on Riverside, where all the houses looked like they were built by the three little pigs.

[cut to Kyle outside of Matt’s house]

KYLE**:** [off-screen, KNOCKING] Matt Kennett! Let me in! Or I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll freakin’ burn your house down with my torch!

[cut back to the Everoak]

PATRICK**:** [sarcastically nostalgically] Ah, that’s exactly how I remember that story.

[DAWN enters]

DAWN**:** Morning, everyone!

PATRICK and VIVIAN**:** Morning, Dawn.

DAWN**:** Can I top off any of your drinks?

EILEEN**:** Nah, we’re good.

PATRICK**:** I’d like more wat—

VIVIAN**:** [interrupting] Dawn, was reopening Fay’s Clinic a bad investment?

DAWN**:** Do you want me to be honest or kind?

VIVIAN**:** What does kind sound like?

DAWN**:** No, not at all, hon! You put a lot of hard work into rebuilding your family’s legacy, and that’s the most important thing out of it all!

VIVIAN: Now what does honest sound like?

DAWN**:** We all sort of expected the business to crumble within two years.

VIVIAN**:** But why? People get sick and hurt whether you believe in Sinisters or not.

DAWN**:** Speaking as a demon-fearing, glove-wearing Plainwooder myself, I see three reasons why no one would want to come to the clinic. It’s right next to that hideously sinister statue and its house, nobody respects you, and people attribute their ailments as residual possession. Yesterday, I got a headache, and I could have sworn Marion Marley was back in my mind, telling me to kill the next person who walked into the cafe.

EILEEN**:** Did you?

DAWN**:** [proud of themself] I used self-control and put down my bread knife before they opened the door.

EILEEN**:** Well done!

VIVIAN**:** Headaches are caused by dehydration. Have you been drinking water?

DAWN**:** Not since you told me my water has this stuff called “hydrogen” in it. That’s an explosive gas, right?

VIVIAN**:** Yes, technically, but when you mix it with oxygen on the microscopic level, it makes pure water!

DAWN**:** I don’t understand what any of that means. I’m just gonna drink soda now. At least I know what’s in that.

PATRICK**:** I think that’s the main reason people don’t want to go to your clinic.

VIVIAN**:** Why’s that?

PATRICK**:** Take this from a fellow nerd, you’re a huge nerd. The more facts you spit out at somebody, the less they’ll listen to it. Trust me, I learned that the hard way when I attended my first town meeting in this place, and they all started calling me “Practical Patrick” and waved at me every time they saw me. I felt pretty good about myself until I realized that waving in Plainwood is basically flipping someone the bird. And all I said was that maybe handedness doesn’t determine evil intention.

EILEEN**:** You said that at a town meeting?! You had that coming then. [shifts topics] Anyway, Viv, Plainwooders are the biggest NPCs in the world: we don’t ever do anything ourselves, things just happen to us, and we like it that way. You can’t convince an NPC into a lifestyle change, they’ll just repeat the same three dialogue lines and then send you on a super annoying fetch quest where you have to walk around the whole city and trade things with people to end up with a stupid flaming bow-and-arrow!

PATRICK**:** You been playing a bit too many video games, Leen?

EILEEN**:** I don’t know what a video game is, I’m just complaining about Carl from the teachers’ lounge.

VIVIAN**:** So instead of forcing it onto them, I have to find a way to more gently prove that people’s way of thinking and interpreting the world has always been wrong? That’s so hard, though! I’m not an elementary school teacher.

EILEEN and PATRICK**:** Hey!

EILEEN**:** [interrupting herself] Well, actually, she’s right.

PATRICK**:** Dammit, Doc, you’ve explained the fun out of teaching now too!

[Morgan WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS]

MORGAN**:** Hey hey, good morning everyon—[TRIPS, FALLS, and YELLS]

DAWN**:** Oh dear! Someone must have possessed Morgan! Is the cafe haunted again?

MORGAN**:** [in pain] No, I think I just slipped on a banana peel in a comically cartoonish fashion.

DAWN**:** You sure it wasn’t a ghost? That seemed pretty coincidental for it to be a mistake on your part, and you’re always a careful person.

VIVIAN**:** [more excited, less concerned] Do you need medical attention?!

MORGAN**:** [standing back up] No, I’m good. I didn’t even feel it.

VIVIAN**:** Are you sure? Let me put this wooden popsicle stick in your mouth just in case.

MORGAN**:** No, Vivi, I swear I’m okay! And… I promise that a wooden popsicle stick is not the right tool for that.

VIVIAN**:** [skeptically] Did you study medicine?

MORGAN**:** [conceding] I did not! Good point!

DAWN**:** So it was just the banana peel? No otherworldly entity?

MORGAN**:** [confidently] I’m pretty sure I would know the difference between a banana peel and an otherworldly entity, Dawn.

DAWN**:** Thank god. I didn’t wanna have to call Matt over here and exorcise the whole building again.

VIVIAN**:** Hmm… Your trip and fall did give me an idea, Meghan!

MORGAN**:** It’s Morgan.

VIVIAN**:** If people think that accidents are caused by demons, [increasingly more deviously] they’ll just have to learn that not all injuries are accidental. [excitedly] Gang, who wants to go cause minor inconveniences and accidents around town and then recommend they go to the clinic to help them out?!

EILEEN**:** Perfect! I’ll grab my two-by-four right now!

VIVIAN**:** [concerned and quick to stop her] Minor! Eileen. I don’t want your reputation to drop this month again.

MORGAN**:** [more confused about what Eileen said than concerned] You carry a two-by-four on you?

PATRICK**:** If you care so much about keeping the clinic open, why don’t you just yell in Matt Kennett’s face like you normally do? That almost always works.

KYLE**:** [off-screen, KYLE is still rioting outside Matt’s house] Matt Kennett! You know my stance on unconventional voting rights when it comes to owning children’s toys! Come on out here and fight me like a man!

PATRICK**:** Almost always.

EILEEN**:** Who is he yelling at? Matt’s at his office right now.

VIVIAN**:** [answering Patrick’s question] Yelling in Matt Kennett’s face only works when you want policy changes. But if I want real people coming here and giving me real reviews to boost up my real reputation, they’re gonna have to really come to my clinic when they really need and want to.

PATRICK**:** And no better way to get them to need and want to do something than going out and forcing pain and illness onto them.

VIVIAN**:** Exactly! Now you’re catching on! Well, I’m off to place some inconspicuous boobietraps everywhere! Anyone wanna come?

PATRICK**:** [CHUCKLES] You’re devious and you stand up for what you believe in. I like you, Doc. I’ll join whatever this plan is.

EILEEN**:** Nothing I love more than boobietraps!

MORGAN**:** I’ll come for moral support!

DAWN**:** I’ll bring snacks!

Radio Giveaway

JORDON**:** —which is why I will never make the mistake of ordering pork and corn and giving it a fun catchy name to combine the two.

JORDON**:** Well would you look at that, my phone has been going haywire since I mentioned that whole 26th caller thing. I guess I should have been answering those calls, but luckily this is one of those fancy phones with 50 different lines and infinite wait time before the answering machine. The ringing was driving me crazy, and I guess the music segment would have been a good time to answer that, but I do respect the patience of the people who are willing to wait a good 10 or so minutes for someone to answer.

JORDON**:** [scrambling around to figure out how to pick up the phone on the air] Alright, how am I gonna do this? I guess I’ll just hold the phone up to the mic and—[picks up phone] Hey hey! You are caller Number 1! Congratulations! You are not the 26th caller! Have a terrific day! [SLAMS phone down] [picks up phone] Hey hey! You are caller Number 2! Congratulations! You are not the 26th caller! Have a terrific day! [SLAMS phone down] This is taking forever. I don’t think anyone will know the difference if I just did… [picks up phone] Hey hey! You are our 26th caller! Congratulations!

CLIFFE**:** Hey sweet! I didn’t even know 26 was the number that came after 2. Is that that new math the kids are going on about?

JORDON**:** [fake laughing] Ha ha ha, oh, probably not. Mayor Cliffe Rhubis, is that you I hear on the other line?

CLIFFE**:** Yeah, I was listening to the radio ‘cause I got nothing else to do in my job. What’s this about the 26th caller being the big winner?

JORDON**:** Well, we decided to have a contest! And you’re the winner! Congratulations!

CLIFFE**:** Well great! I never won anything!

JORDON**:** Didn’t you win an election?

CLIFFE**:** I won by default against a cactus.

JORDON**:** But I voted for the cactus. He sure made a lot of sharp points in the debates.

CLIFFE**:** So, eh, what do I win?

JORDON**:** The contest…? I’m not sure what you’re asking.

CLIFFE**:** Yeah, but like, what tangible thing do I receive for being the 26th caller? Is it a block of wood? I really need a block of wood.

JORDON**:** Oh [defeated] no, I didn’t think this was going to be something involving actual prizes. I just wanted this to be a fun thing.

CLIFFE**:** Oh.

JORDON**:** Sorry to disappoint, Mayor.

CLIFFE**:** Nah, nah, it’s fine. I’ll just write a report about how journalists are all evil liars who have nobody’s best interests at heart.

JORDON**:** Yes, I’m sure that will be an incredibly trustworthy article coming from a politician.

CLIFFE: [still disappointed about the contest] Well, congrats to me, I guess. And, uh, tell Barri and Finley I say hey hey.

JORDON**:** Will do… [phone hangs up] I can’t have that report published. I’ll lose all my reputation. How am I gonna feed my family without my monthly Merit Tickets? And there’s no way I’m gonna find a block of wood at this hour, in this economy! [sigh] I’ll figure some sort of prize out. This isn’t how I wanted this contest thing to go, but whatever. You live and you learn. Die and forget. That’s my motto.

JORDON**:** [SNEEZES] Ugh, jesus, I’m sorry, that was very unprofessional of me. Excuse me. [SNEEZES out of mic range] Wow, I do not sneeze that often. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say this is the work of the White Demon again! [chuckles nervously] I’m sure it’s nothing.

JORDON**:** In the meantime, while I drown myself in trying to figure out solutions for my contest, let me drown you in some of today’s pop hits. This next one is a favorite of mine: “2-4-6-8” by the Blue Tall Kids.

Plot Rising Action 1

[VIVIAN and the gang are outside in the town square, strategizing on what they can do to prove to people they need Fay’s Clinic in town]

VIVIAN**:** Alright team, here’s how things are gonna go down! I have all five of us assigned to different sectors of Plainwood and different methods of [CLEARS THROAT] “persuasion.” Eileen, redhead, and Meghan—

MORGAN**:** [correcting softly] Morgan…

PATRICK**:** I have more qualities than my hair.

VIVIAN**:** —You three head down to town square and appeal to people’s emotions by acting as barkers. Use any psychological or physical tactic you know. Meanwhile, Dawn and I will wander around and cause “accidents.”

EILEEN**:** Wait, why are you with Dawn? I’ve been supporting your clinic since day one.

VIVIAN**:** I don’t remember that.

EILEEN**:** I remember it very clearly.

[flashback to Eileen rushing into the Clinic with a sense of urgency]

EILEEN**:** [urgently] VIVIAN! YOU HAVE TO HELP ME! I’M ABOUT TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK!

VIVIAN**:** [panicking] YOU WHAT?! Ok don’t panic! I’ll grab as many popsicle sticks as I can and shove them in your—

EILEEN**:** [turning her panic into a pickup line, speaking in a smooth yet cheesy inflection] —because you just make my heart rush.

VIVIAN**:** [relieved yet annoyed] Goddammit.

[end flashback]

VIVIAN**:** [nostalgically] Oh yeah, I remember that now.

EILEEN**:** Good times. I actually did end up having very severe chest pains that day.

VIVIAN**:** That’s because I punched you.

EILEEN**:** That’s neither here nor there.

VIVIAN**:** Anyway, Eileen, if you really want to join my group, I can have Dawn switch over with the other two. It can be a threesome of the minor support characters.

DAWN**:** Characters?

PATRICK**:** Minor?

MORGAN**:** Oh, yes! This’ll be so fun! I love to nonviolently protest things! Back in the States, I did the same thing in college. I still have my paint-splattered furcoat as a memento!

PATRICK**:** [urgently] Is it too late to change my group?

VIVIAN**:** Yes. Now split up! Eileen, come with me!

EILEEN**:** [excitedly] Yes! I brought my two-by-four just in case.

VIVIAN**:** You’re not going to use that! Look! Here comes a passerby right now! Hide in the bushes!

[VIVIAN and EILEEN JUMP into a bush]

VIVIAN**:** [whispering] Okay, let’s stick our legs out right… now!

PASSERBY 1: [FALLS, YELLS] [in pain] Ow! Marion Marley, is that you? Did you push me down onto the ground to punish me for all those times I’ve pushed my enemies onto the ground? I promise they had it coming! They call me a poop-head, and as a dung shoveler, I take my job very seriously! Oh, what horrible luck! I get possessed and now my knee is leaking my life essence!

[VIVIAN and EILEEN nonchalantly exit the bush]

VIVIAN**:** [pretending to be concerned] Oh dear! That’s not life essence, my friend! That’s what we in the medical business call “blood.”

PASSERBY 1: [scared] Blood? I didn’t know there was blood inside me!

EILEEN**:** We’re actually loaded with it, my friend! Be careful not to lose too much though, or else… Uh, Viv, what’ll happen if they lose too much?

VIVIAN**:** Uh, something bad, I imagine?

EILEEN**:** Something bad, she imagines! You should rush on over to Fay’s Riverside Clinic to get yourself patched up!

PASSERBY 1: Hey, that’s right. You’re that witch shaman from Riverside Road! Does your clinic deal with possession? I think the White Demon or Marion Marley kept me from looking where I was going, and I fell down on the concrete.

EILEEN**:** Or maybe it was just… you… who wasn’t looking where you were going? Accidents happen, you know.

PASSERBY 1: No, that’s not true. I know a guy who always walked down the same route every day, and he was happy. But then, he touched somebody’s hand, and then the spirits took over his mind. Now he walks a different route every day! And it’s longer than the first one!

EILEEN**:** You’re talking an awful lot for someone losing a lot of blood right now.

PASSERBY 1: I’m not losing it, the Sinisters are stealing it! Just throw some salt on me, and the demon will be out of my body in no time!

VIVIAN**:** I’m not throwing salt on your gaping wound. That’s going to make it worse. How about this: I take you back to my clinic and put you in a small isolated room with an uncomfortable paper-wrapped chair, take longer than necessary to actually come into the room, put a sticker on your knee, and then you give me money!

PASSERBY 1: That sounds tempting, but what do you have for me while I wait?

VIVIAN**:** Old magazines from last decade?

PASSERBY 1: Screw that! I’m getting things done the easy way: letting all the red stuff leak out of me until it comes out clear. That’s how I know the Sinister is out of me. Just gimme some salt, dirt, and leaves to rub on it. The stinging means that it’s working.

VIVIAN**:** I don’t think that’s right—

EILEEN**:** Viv, I think this one’s a lost cause right now. Let’s find someone else.

VIVIAN**:** Wait! If you come to the clinic, I’ll… uh… I’ll give you a free lollipop!

PASSERBY 1: Kyle Ling says that sweets are the devil’s treats.

KYLE**:** [walking by, out of audible range] It’s true!

PASSERBY 1: Thanks but no thanks.

VIVIAN**:** [sighs] I hope the other three are doing better.

Radio News

[JORDON is sounding just noticeably sick, but not too much that it draws attention]

JORDON**:** [talking to themself, unaware they’re on air, tentatively tasting the coffee from earlier] Mm, yeah, this definitely is made with ground-up soil. It’s still good though. [realizes they’re on air] Oh! Welcome back, everyone!

JORDON**:** Let’s chime in for a news update: the Plainwood Tourism Board is going swimmingly! That is to say that many of the people working on creating the board have jumped off the nearest cliff and into the frigid sea. One anonymous volunteer named Brody claimed, [sounding gradually more unhinged] “A tourism board? A tourism board?! Why do we want more people to come here?! Are we insane?! What if Marion Marley comes back and possesses us all again! Or worse! What if a travelling salesman comes by and coerces us into buying musical instruments! I can’t take this pressure!”

JORDON**:** When told that he could have easily just left the tourism board instead of jumping off a cliff, Brody claimed, “NO!!!” with three exclamation marks, and dove head first into the Arctic Ocean. So bad news: there will be a delay with our Tourism Board. Good news: some spots for volunteers have opened up.

Radio Giveaway

JORDON**:** We should be going into… [distracted by a PHONE RINGING] Into… [PHONE RINGS again] I’m sorry, listeners, I have to take this. [picks up phone]. Hey hey, this is Jordon Daly! You’re on the air!

ARCHIE**:** Are you seriousing me, Jordon? My good friend Cliffe earned his victory in the phone contest fair and square, and you’re still denying him the prize that he is so rightfully entitled to?

CLIFFE**:** [off-screen, unaware of Archie and Jordon’s conversation] Archie! Tell them that I won the contest!

JORDON**:** Is this Archibald West? [SNIFFLES, as if they’re sick]

ARCHIE**:** Indeed! Need I remind you that, as the Mayoral Head of Public Works and Facilities, I am the sole person responsible for funding your silly little radio project.

JORDON**:** [to themself] Mine? It was you three that set up this whole thing.

ARCHIE**:** I’m sorry?

JORDON**:** No no, yeah, you’re right. I’ll figure something out soon. [SNIFFLES, as if they’re sick] [COUGHS]

ARCHIE**:** I hope so. And… dear god, are you okay? The sniffles, the sneezing, the coughing? Did you get possessed?

JORDON**:** [nervously] That sounds like a personal question, Mayor.

ARCHIE**:** Well, in any case, you better get him a prize soon, or else he’s following through on that report. [concerned yet stern] But more importantly, if we found out you got possessed on air, we’re going to have to close the whole radio station and scrub it clean. It takes months to get that many leeches and salt rocks and lavender scented incenses. Honestly, it might be a better investment simply to tear it down. Replace it with a public bath.

MATT**:** [off-screen] Froyo stand!

ARCHIE**:** It’ll be one of those. In any case, get yourself settled, Jordon, or we’re shutting down the radio station for good.

JORDON**:** Of course, mayors! I would never want to disappoint you. Without those merit tickets every month, I don’t know how I’d survive. [beat] Do you all have… better things to do than harang the owners of public facilities and threaten to shut them down?

ARCHIE**:** What do you mean? That’s literally my job description.

JORDON**:** Of course. How silly of me… I’m hanging up now.

CLIFFE**:** [off-screen] Matt! Archie! Tell them I won the contest!

JORDON**:** Yeah, I got that, Cliffe! Thank you! I’m hanging up! Bye! [HANGS UP] [stressed] Phew! Jesus, what a stressful day! Friends, if you have any ideas on prizes I can give our needy mayors, call the station pronto! I swear I will do whatever you want! [COUGHS nastily]

JORDON**:** [stressed] [GROANS] Uh, okay. Here’s… some more music. What is this? “I Don’t Care” by the Overpaid Sound Magicians? Whatever, Enjoy.

Plot Rising Action 2

[DAWN, MORGAN, and PATRICK are brainstorming persuasive tactics and slogans]

DAWN**:** Okay, listen to this: “Feelin’ a li’l sick? Go to the clinic!”

MORGAN**:** Ooh! I love it! Can I design the poster? I majored in art!

PATRICK**:** That rhyme was a bit of a stretch if you ask me.

DAWN**:** You got any good ideas?

PATRICK**:** Yeah. You’re forgetting we live in Plainwood, where our mayors are bumbling pushovers who will do whatever you tell them as long as you pester Matt Kennett enough.

MORGAN**:** Mmm, true! Eileen did that with her lesson the other day, and she wound up becoming head of life skills at the school.

PATRICK**:** You still owe me money for that, by the way.

MORGAN**:** I never agreed to the bet.

DAWN**:** We’re not yelling at a government official.

PATRICK**:** Why not? I’ve done it plenty of times.

DAWN**:** If we want to make a change, we have to follow the rules. You’re with me, right Morgan?

MORGAN**:** Yuppers! I like the peaceful protest idea! Mainly because I get to shove posters in people’s faces.

PATRICK**:** Look, here comes someone now! [to PASSERBY] Hey hey, can you spare a second?

PASSERBY 2: [paranoid and scared] Look, I already donated enough blood, I don’t need to donate any more!

MORGAN**:** [confused] Plainwood doesn’t do blood drives.

PASSERBY 2: What’s a blood drive?

PATRICK**:** What my friend is trying to say is that we’re looking for people to sign our petition to save Fay’s Riverside Clinic.

PASSERBY 2: That building run by an evil witch who uses scéances to make people feel better when they’ve gotten possessed? I’m not setting foot on Riverside Road if it means risking an encounter with a demon. Jordon Daly reported it on the radio.

PATRICK**:** Well if Jordon Daly reported that someone jumped off a cliff—

PASSERBY 2: They did, and I tried it, and the water was refreshing, thank you very much!

DAWN**:** [trying to calmly butt in between the two] The three of us here actually live on Riverside, and it’s not as bad as—

PASSERBY 2: Wait, so the three of you are Sinisters?! Stay away from me!

PATRICK**:** Buddy, we’re not freakin’ Sinister demons! We care about the health and safety of our community!

PASSERBY 2: I prefer to heal myself the traditional way.

PATRICK**:** Which is…?

PASSERBY 2: Inhaling burning poison ivy and starving myself.

DAWN**:** What if I told you you don’t have to do that?

PASSERBY 2: Why fix what isn’t broke? I only suffered severe itching for a week the last time I tried that.

DAWN**:** You don’t have to suffer anything if you don’t want to!

PASSERBY 2: Ha, yeah, that would be pretty cool if that were the case. Can you imagine a world without suffering? That would make me happy but a little bit upset that I wouldn’t be able to keep torturing my friends.

MORGAN**:** Yeah, cool, cool, I’m definitely avoiding you at all costs from now on, but my friend is right! If you come to Fay’s Clinic, you can get completely healed and cured with minimal suffering, if any!

PATRICK**:** They do poke you with scary needles though.

MORGAN**:** That’s the extent of the suffering.

PASSERBY 2: Listen, I really would love to see what the fuss of all this “new science” is all about, but I got an appointment in a twisted alleyway: some guy in a dumpster is paying me for all that blood I donated, and I really don’t wanna stand him up—

DAWN**:** Wait! If you support Fay’s Clinic and sign this petition, I’ll give you a lifetime supply of pastries from the Everoak Cafe!

PASSERBY 2: Ooh! I like pastries! Deal! Here’s my signature!

DAWN**:** [cheering] Yes!

MORGAN and PATRICK**:** [shocked] Dawn!

DAWN**:** What?

MORGAN**:** We’re supporting Viv so she can make money! That’s not gonna work if you’re losing money!

DAWN**:** Oh. Darn. [hurriedly] Wait, Passerby! I made a promise that I can’t keep! It would be dishonest and disingenuous of me to keep your name on my petition!

PATRICK**:** [exasperated] Oh my god.

MORGAN**:** Love Dawn, they couldn’t hurt a fly, but my god does their kindness get difficult to manage. And that’s coming from me!

PATRICK**:** I hope the other two are doing better.

DAWN**:** [in the distance] OW!

EILEEN**:** Dammit, Dawn! Announce yourself before you come running over to our private hiding-bush! This two-by-four could have whacked you so much harder!

VIVIAN**:** And she would have if I didn’t restrain her.

PATRICK**:** Any luck with you two?

VIVIAN**:** Not really.

EILEEN**:** We did manage to collect three people’s wallets, though.

VIVIAN**:** [attempting to complete Eileen’s sentence] —Which we’re going to give back—

EILEEN**:** [attempting to complete Vivian’s sentence] —When they realize they’re missing.

PATRICK**:** I feel like advocating for a medical center in a place that still believes in leeches as a treatment for illness is like advocating for a butcher shop in a petting zoo.

VIVIAN**:** [desperately] But we have to keep it! Without Isaac or Vicente’s legacy, Plainwood is going to sink into a pit of stagnant despair! There’s no way we can reach a large enough population before Matt Kennett pulls the plug on it for good!

EILEEN**,** MORGAN**,** PATRICK**,** DAWN**, and** VIVIAN**:** Hmm… [CHATTERING and WHISPERING ideas to each other]

EILEEN**:** Yes there is!

Radio Giveaway

[JORDON is now sounding more noticeably stressed and sick, enough to draw attention to it]

JORDON: [stressed] Plainwood, this coffee thing has gotten me wired! Is stress a normal side effect of that? I feel so stressed that my hair is seeping out of my scalp and the skin is peeling from underneath my government mandated scarf and gloves. I don’t know if this is the coffee, a Sinister, or the fact that our mayors are going to shut down my radio show, but I just threw up three times in the toilet and two more times on Finley and Barri’s computers. Hope you’re all doing well!

[PHONE RINGS]

JORDON**:** Goddammit, Cliffe! Give me more time! [stopping themself] No! Jordon, you are a professional! And professionals answer phonecalls no matter how upset it makes them. That’s been my motto since I was a young child when I accidentally managed to give up all my family’s private information to a guy in a dumpster. Just answer the phone, Jordon. Just answer. The. Phone… [picks up phone] Hey hey! This is Jordon Daly! You’re on the air!

EILEEN**:** Jordon Daly, my name is Eileen Pritchett.

JORDON**:** [extremely relieved] Oh thank god!

EILEEN**:** [satisfied] Hm. That’s the first time I’ve gotten a reaction like that when I introduced myself. I already like you.

JORDON**:** What do you want?

EILEEN**:** A deal.

JORDON**:** A deal?

EILEEN**:** Yeah. You seem stressed. And sick. Did you say you threw up on two different people’s computers, by the way?

JORDON**:** [clarifying] Not on purpose.

EILEEN**:** [weirded out] Wha—I didn’t think it was—whatever, doesn’t matter. You know, stress and nausea go hand in hand. My friend Vivian knows all about that topic. We can get’cha healed up in no time.

JORDON**:** [stubbornly] I don’t need healing. I need results.

EILEEN**:** What if I told you I have the results you’re looking for right here? The perfect prize for Cliffe Rhubis.

JORDON**:** You do?! That would save my life, my job, and to a lesser extent my family! Give it here!

EILEEN**:** Well, I’ll have to give it to you in person, on account of… how radios work. So, meet us at Fay’s Clinic as soon as possible. We’ll give you your prize for Cliffe on the condition that you come in for one physical examination and play Vivian’s ad on your radio show.

JORDON**:** Are there any other options?

EILEEN**:** No. I’m cousins with Matt Kennett. I can easily call him up and have your show run down to the ground.

JORDON**:** Please no! Okay, I’ll bite! Just… keep this under wraps. Please? I don’t want the guys at the station to think I’ve gone soft.

FINLEY: [off-screen] We already think that, Jordon!

EILEEN**:** Perfect. We’ll be waiting. Riverside Road. Right next to the Hand Statue House. Bring your gloves and scarf and any demon-repelling salt you need to make you feel comfortable.

JORDON**:** W-will do. [hangs up] What a day, listeners. I have some… important business to attend to right now. I’ll leave you with our last round of music for the day before I sign off. Coming up next: “Wormhole Star,” by Noise Farmer.

Plot Climax/Resolution

[The group is waiting in Fay’s Clinic, and Eileen just hung up her call with Jordon]

VIVIAN**:** What’d you do, Eileen?

EILEEN**:** The thing I do best: threaten people.

MORGAN**:** You do do that a lot, I’ve noticed.

EILEEN**:** The radio announcer themself is coming over here for a physical. This is our chance to instill them with as much pro-science, pro-medicine propaganda there is! Starting with our number one mantra: The Mitochondria is the Powerhouse of the Cell!

VIVIAN**:** You got the voice of our community to come here?! That’s amazing, Leen! I’m gonna erase you off my do-not-resuscitate list!

EILEEN**:** Glad to know I was once on that list.

[JORDON KNOCKS on the door]

VIVIAN**:** Come in!

JORDON: [sluggish, sickly, and stressed] Listen, I wanna get in and out of here in as little time as possible. The guys at the station are taking over for me while the music is running, and I don’t trust Finley with unlimited access to the microphone.

[Cutaway back to the radio station]

FINLEY: Hey hey, this is Finley Donovan, and we, uh… interrupt your music… to bring you… the sound of my mouth…? [BREATHES HEAVILY ON THE MIC]

[cut back]

JORDON: Anyway, I’m sweating, I’m vomiting, and my heart is racing like a beast. Can you diagnose which Sinister is inside me so I can know how to exorcise myself with the least amount of residual possession and night visions?

VIVIAN: Night visions are natural. They’re called dreams.

JORDON: I think I’d know the difference between a night vision and a jreem [comical mispronunciation]. Just tell me what’s wrong with me.

VIVIAN**:** Well, here’s the thing: Your symptoms are a textbook case of stress induced nausea, and maybe diet induced. Has anything stressful happened to you lately? Or have you eaten or drank any, um, for example… dirt?

JORDON**:** [hesitates, shocked that Vivian found something that should have been obvious] I don’t see how that’s relevant to anything. You know, in the journalism world, we have this saying: “Correlation never equals causation, ever.”

EILEEN**:** Seems legit.

JORDON**:** Listen, I know I got possessed somehow. I just need to know how to get rid of it. I’m already on thin ice with the Mayoral Triumvirate, and if word got out that a Sinister entered me on air, they would shut me down in a heartbeat.

VIVIAN**:** But Sinisters don’t exist!

PATRICK**,** MORGAN**,** JORDON**,** DAWN**:** [unconvinced] Well…

VIVIAN**:** [exasperated] No! Everything can be explained by science! It snowed yesterday: was that some evil demon that controls the temperature, or the condensation of evaporated water that froze as it precipitated to the Earth?

MORGAN**:** [mutters] I believe in science, but I didn’t understand any word she said.

JORDON**:** Ah, screw it, I knew this was going to be a waste of time. Eileen, you can keep your prize for Cliffe, I’ll just suffer, I guess.

EILEEN**:** Wait! Vivian, keep explaining Jordon’s symptoms… I want to try something.

VIVIAN**:** Um… when you get stressed out, your heart starts to beat faster, and that causes blood to rush everywhere and your body to heat up. That explains the sweating—Eileen, I love that you’re helping, but where are you going with this?

EILEEN**:** Jordy— [says next line as a continuation of this one—no stop to wait for Jordon’s line]

JORDON**:** Don’t call me that

EILEEN**:** —you don’t want your listeners and mayors to find out you got possessed, right?

JORDON**:** Right…?

EILEEN**:** And, Vivian, you’re a medical professional, right?

VIVIAN**:** I mean, “professional” is a pretty loose term, considering Plainwood doesn’t actually have any medical schools and I learned everything I know from my dad.

EILEEN**:** Roll with me here. Viv, in your professional opinion, did Jordon Daly here get possessed?

VIVIAN**:** Well, no, because the symptoms are obviously—

EILEEN**:** Yeah, yeah, no one cares about the medical jargon. [To Jordon] Jordy, we have someone here who will give you an official diagnosis of “not possessed.” You don’t need to worry about anything else or any of the confusing words Vivian uses. Treat yourself however you normally treat yourself, but according to her, you are officially “not possessed.” So go back to work and take some solace in the fact anything happening to your body is all part of the mushy disgusting stuff inside you, and not due to a Sinister that has grabbed your soul with their “evil left hands.” Now, are you gonna keep complaining or go back to work “healthy” and “demon free”?

VIVIAN**:** I… don’t believe any of what she just said, but… if it helps keep the clinic open… Yes, Jordon Daly, I can write you an official doctor’s note that [flabbergasted by the idea] says you’re just sick, I guess.

JORDON**:** Well, hey, that works for me! I don’t even know what the word “sick” means, so I’m fine with whatever you just proposed.

EILEEN**:** Perfect! Now, here’s your prize for your giveaway. [Hands JORDON something]

JORDON**:** What am I gonna do with this?

EILEEN**:** Trust me, it’ll work.

JORDON**:** [exhausted] Okidoke. Whatever works. I appreciate the doctor’s note, Vivian. Eileen, it was a pleasure meeting you, but I’m not taking your name off the public shame list.

EILEEN**:** It’d be an insult if you did.

JORDON**:** Well, it’s almost time for me to get back on. I’ll see y’all. [leaves]

DAWN**:** Hey guys! Wasn’t the deal to also play Viv’s ad on the radio? Someone tune in to the station!

Radio Signoff

JORDON**:** Well, I’m back listeners! I apologize for… everything that happened to me in those past few radio segments. Not my proudest moments. But, you’re never gonna believe this! I actually just tried out that whole “Fay’s Clinic” experience or whatever, and it went a lot better than expected! Remember when I sounded so under the weather and I mentioned vomiting on Don and Barri’s computers three times each?

FINLEY: [off screen, concerned] That’s not what you said!

JORDON**:** Well, I went to see Vivian Fay, and get this: [happy and relieved] it turns out, that wasn’t possession at all! I’m just incredibly stressed out of my mind and have been drinking disgusting hot dirt water for the past hour! So don’t worry about me, I am completely healthy! But before Jordon Daly signs off for the morning, I have a call to make.

[JORDON dials a phone]

JORDON**:** Oh, this is gonna feel so good when I rub it in Cliffe’s face.

[Phone picks up]

CLIFFE**:** [answering the phone] Cliffe Rhubis! To what do I owe the pleasure?

JORDON**:** Mayor, this is Jordon Daly.

CLIFFE**:** Oh great! I was actually just about to get Archie to lump you with Fay’s Clinic on the whole “tear down and replace you” thing. We actually made a compromise, we’re gonna make both of you a conglomerate public bath / froyo stand!

JORDON**:** That sounds disgusting.

ARCHIE**:** [also on the line, adding himself into the conversation] We intend it to be.

JORDON**:** Well, no need to make either of those, because A) I have your giveaway prize right here, courtesy of Eileen Pritchett, and B) I anticipate a lot of new people coming to Fay’s Clinic. In fact, I’m gonna play her ad right here as soon as we hang up.

CLIFFE**:** You got my giveaway prize? Well, sounds great! Meet me at my office, you can deliver it there!

JORDON**:** Typically, you would come to pick it up, but—-

CLIFFE**:** Meet. Me. At. My. Office. You can. Deliver it. There.

JORDON**:** Got it! Well, pleasure talking with you, Mayor. Tell the others I said hey hey!

ARCHIE**,** MATT**:** Hey hey!

[Hang up]

JORDON**:** Well, that’s that. I got one more thing to do before I sign off. I am a person of my word, so… let’s pop in our sponsor for today:

[CLICK]

VIVIAN**:** Hey hey, everyone! I’m Vivian Fay, and if you have any care in your heart, please consider donating to support Fay’s Riverside Clinic! I know it’s not the most ideal place for you all to go, especially when you have your own home remedies for what you consider to be ghosts haunting your insides, but I implore you to at least give it a try. Medicine sounds scary at first, but it’s nothing more than sitting you down and telling you all the things that are wrong with you and the things that you’re either doing or not doing that made that happen. So if you want to have some person in a white coat lecture you for about thirty minutes and tell you how soon you’re going to live or die, come to Fay’s Riverside Clinic! We have free lollipops!

[CLICK]

JORDON**:** I think she needs to work on her advertisement writing. But, I made a promise, so… whatever. Plainwood, it’s been great talking to you today, and I’ll see you very soon for our next broadcast of Plainwood Arise and Awaken! Until then, stay healthy, stay in control, stay all right.

Plot Ending

[MATT, CLIFFE, and ARCHIE are in their office, waiting for JORDON to deliver the prize]

MATT**:** Ooh, Cliffe, I am gushing with excitement to see what you won!

CLIFFE**:** Please don’t gush with anything.

ARCHIE**:** We had so much to clean up last time.

[JORDON KNOCKS on door]

MATT**:** It’s open!

[door opens]

JORDON**:** Well, here it is.

MATT**:** What is it?

JORDON**:** I’unno, but it’s something we thought you would like, courtesy of Eileen Pritchett.

CLIFFE**:** This… is… amazing! Tell her I said “I acknowledge your gift but you’re not a person who deserves thanks.”

JORDON**:** Will do…?

MATT**:** Uh, Cliffe? It’s just a block of wood. What are you gonna do with that?

CLIFFE**:** I needed a block of wood! Perfect thing to whittle with! I got me this new whittlin’ knife, and I needed something that wouldn’t scream when I used it.

JORDON**:** Well… I’m glad you like it, I guess. So, are you not shutting down the radio show anymore?

CLIFFE**:** [distracted by his excitement] Huh?

ARCHIE**:** Yes, It’s still on.

JORDON**:** Yes!

[cut to outside the mayors’ office]

PATRICK**:** I can’t tell if you’re crazy or a genius, Eileen.

EILEEN**:** Hey, what’d I tell you? The two-by-four came in handy!

VIVIAN**:** [to Patrick] Crazy like a fox?

EILEEN**:** [to herself] But now I need to find a replacement…

PATRICK**:** No, crazy like a crazy person.

EILEEN**:** [to herself] Dammit, how am I gonna knock people out now? This was a terrible idea!