'Blue Scar - 1 - Interview'

DEREK: I wore the label of ‘villain’ everywhere I went. It hurt. Not as much as the innocent lives I’ve caused eternal torture and suffering on, but it hurt. In my defense, the eternal torture and suffering was merely an unintentional byproduct of my crafts and inventions I tinker with. My DevilDeath 666 raygun only had the purpose of getting rid of that godforsaken fly that buzzes around my head whenever I’m at my workdesk. Is it my fault Agent 12 knocked it out of my hand, dropping it out the window and firing at that innocent bystander with an abnormally loud and high-pitched voice? No. People need to watch where they’re going and carry large hand mirrors on them at all times. That’s just common knowledge.

DEREK: I’ve never liked being called a villain, I was nothing more than an evil scientist. I have a PhD, so I expect people to treat me as such. Don’t kick my door down yelling, ‘Blue Scar! Your days of villainy are over!’ I’d much prefer you to politely knock on my door, while I ask ‘who is it?’ and the person on the other end kicks the door open and announces themselves, followed by a ‘Dr. Blue Scar! Your days of evil science are over!’

DEREK: Anyway, my days of evil science are over. I’m retired now. Even though it was the life of Agent 12 that got squared, I’m the one who feels gross. Sometimes I just feel like I need to get back out there and do something. I’m 53 and single, it’s not like there’s much of a business for evil science anyway, not since Musk took over the industry. It feels like I’ve been spending too much time doing evil and not enough doing the reverse: live.

INTERVIEWER: [clears throat] That’s… that’s great, Blue—er, Dr. Blue Scar, but not quite what I meant when I said “tell me a little bit about yourself.”

DEREK: I’m sorry, I was monologuing. Could we move to the next question?

INTERVIEWER: Sure. Why did you choose Snallbourg High?

DEREK: Right right right! Yeah, so I need money, and this is the closest place where people don’t recognize my face as the one I carved in the mountains down by Glamville

INTERVIEWER: I see. And what makes you qualified for this job, Dr. Blue Scar?

DEREK: Oh please, call me Derek.

INTERVIEWER: Okay, Derek. The same question applies.

DEREK: Well, I have years of experience working with mechanics and coding—specifically lasers and spikes, blades and torture devices, spinning threaded tools and bits, you know the drill. [pulls out a huge raygun] Like this PhotonCannon 623! One pull on this baby, and it’ll shoot a ray of excited photons at whatever I aim it at!

INTERVIEWER: So it’s just a flashlight but it’s shaped like a gun?

DEREK: Yes, but it also has a built-in bottle opener.

INTERVIEWER: I see. [shuffles papers] Derek, you seem to be a bit overqualified to be teaching ninth grade science.

DEREK: Is that what I’m doing? I thought this was cooking!

INTERVIEWER: You applied to this job not knowing what the position was?

DEREK: Yeah yeah, I just get physics and cooking mixed up a lot. To think I was going to show you this guy.

[giant robot crashes into the room, breaking a wall, hydraulics and mechanics whirring]

LUNCHRUSH: Greetings, customers.

INTERVIEWER: What on Earth is that?

DEREK: This is the LunchRush 1200. I made it to create any meal you ask for—[leans in to the Interviewer and whispers] don’t tell it I said this, but the dishes it makes are awful.

INTERVIEWER: Derek, are you… [sniffs] Drunk?

DEREK: Me? No, I gave up drinking any type of fluid years ago! Now I have this catheter that feeds me all the nutrients I need! I would have showed it to my cooking students but apparently that’s not what I’m here for.

INTERVIEWER: This interview is spiraling out of control.

DEREK: Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know I was going over the allotted time.

INTERVIEWER: You’re fine. I just… have a few questions left.

DEREK: Hit me.

INTERVIEWER: How do you deal with students who disrupt class?

DEREK: Fine, I’ve never had any problem with them. I teach, they learn, that’s how it goes, isn’t it?

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any pedagogical experience?

DEREK: I went to school.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any evil ulterior motives in applying here?

DEREK: Is… is that a standard interview question you ask here?

INTERVIEWER: We’re a high school, so yes.

DEREK: Um… no, I do not?

INTERVIEWER: Alright, good enough for me! You’re hired!

DEREK: Already? I didn’t even show you my résumé [pulls out 10-foot long scroll of paper that unravels onto the floor], I was looking forward to bragging about myself.

INTERVIEWER: No need, we’re short staffed.

DEREK: Why’d the last guy leave?

INTERVIEWER: Freak electrical transformer lab accident.

DEREK: In a ninth grade science course?!

INTERVIEWER: Do you want the job or not?

DEREK: I mean, I’ll take it, I have to discuss with my supervisor though.

LUNCHRUSH: Money amount is large.

DEREK: Works for me! I look forward to working with you. Mwahahahahaha!!!!

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry?

DEREK: Force of habit, I apologize.

INTERVIEWER: Great! You start on the first day of school.

DEREK: Perfect! I’ll get the LunchRush to draft a curriculum and syllabus!

LUNCHRUSH: Preparing wooden pancake with squid syrup. [prints out page] Bon appétit.

DEREK: [swipes it from LunchRush and hands it to Interviewer] Voilà.

INTERVIEWER: Hmm, very thorough. You did a great job, LunchRush.

DEREK: Don’t thank it.

INTERVIEWER: Well, Derek, I have no clue what just happened for this past 30 minutes, but we’re glad to have you as an honorary Tardigrade.

DEREK: I’m sorry, your mascot is the Tardigrade?

INTERVIEWER: Is that a problem?

DEREK: That’s adorable! I love tardigrades! I once tried to create nanobots out of them and develop an indestructible army to rule over Glamville with an iron fist! Needless to say it didn’t work out. I think some of them are still in my bloodstream.

INTERVIEWER: It would be great if you stopped telling me about yourself, Derek.

SECRETARY: Frank, there’s a rocket powered jet skiff parked in the faculty lot.

DEREK: Crud, I left the Scarmobile running! If I leave it going any longer, the self-destruct is gonna activate! It was great to meet you Frank, I have to go, I’ll see you in September, bye!