DEREK: I have said it once, and I will say it again: This is it, LunchRush! Our first day on the job! This is gonna be awesome! What’s the room number again?

LUNCHRUSH: 237A.

DEREK: Aw, why’d it have to be an odd number? Remind me to strap the administration to my ArgumentConvince 5165 until I get a number I vibe with. Preferably 314B. You gotta have a 4 in there somewhere.

LUNCHRUSH: If you would like a 4, I recommend using an invention with the number 4 in it.

DEREK: Who asked you? Plus the QuadSquare 4444 blew up on account of me whacking all my golf balls at it. Retirement is rough… …BUT I won’t let that affect my first day here at Snallbourg Junior High! GOOO TARDIGRADES! LunchRush, cheer with me!

LUNCHRUSH: I am also quite fond of water bears.

DEREK: Close enough. [slams front door open] HATTAH! Your new 9th grade science teacher is here, peasants! All grovel and kneel before Dr. Derek Angelini, the Blue Scar! Mwahahahahahah!

[thunder and lightning roars and flashes behind Derek]

SECRETARY: Sign in please.

DEREK: I’m sorry?

SECRETARY: Sign in so we know you’re here.

DEREK: I’m sorry, did you not just hear me announce my name dramatically like that? There was lighting in the background and everything. I paid good money to my special effects team, I expect some recognition for that, that was awesome!

SECRETARY: Sign in or we won’t know you worked and you won’t get paid.

DEREK: Hmm, I do like money. Alrighty, fool, I shall deliver my good old John Hancock onto this sign-in sheet. There! [confidently] Now! [less confidently] Ehhh, where’s Room 237A?

SECRETARY: Second floor, third hallway, seventh room, left side of the hall.

DEREK: Is there any way I can get, say, I don’t know, 314B? Or really any room with a vibeable number?

SECRETARY: No.

DEREK: Well, how about now? [presses a button, releasing a giant spiked machine towering over the secretary]

SECRETARY: What is that?

DEREK: My ArgumentConvince 5165. Guaranteed to make me win any dispute.

SECRETARY: If you wanted to win the dispute, it would have built your appeal to logos to use a machine that included the number 314 in it.

DEREK: [sighs] Fine, I’ll deal with the bureaucracy later. Don’t be surprised if 237A somehow magically stops existing.

SECRETARY: Is that possible?

DEREK: Anything is possible.

SECRETARY: Is that something you can physically do yourself?

DEREK: You’re asking too many questions, I’m just a 9th grade teacher, I don’t know anything! [turns away] Come now, LunchRush! 237A awaits! Along with all the sniveling, sniffling, snoveling snunts who populate it.

LUNCHRUSH: I cannot contain my excitement.

[Derek and LunchRush exit the main office and run into a tall man, Robert]

ROBERT: Ayy! Angelini, right?

DEREK: Ah, how quaint, I’ve been expecting you, mweheheh.

ROBERT: You’ve heard of me already?

DEREK: No, I’ve just been expecting somebody to greet me. Because apparently Receptionist-Woman isn’t going to be the one who does it!

SECRETARY: [off screen] My name is Jan.

ROBERT: Well, you came to the right guy–

DEREK: You came to me.

ROBERT: –I’m Rob Trenelli, I teach 10th grade life science! 9th grade Earth science, I’m guessing?

DEREK: [muttering] I was hoping for cooking, but, [full volume] yes, Dr. Blue Scar, former supervillain. You may recognize my face from the one I carved into that mountain over in Glamville.

ROBERT: Don’t recognize the face, but I like that claw arm you got there! How do you control that thing?

DEREK: Easy, I have the wires surgically hooked up to my neurons so I can control it like a third limb! It really helps when I’m reading the newspaper and also need to grab a sheet of toilet paper. Among other useful things—that’s just the first one that came to mind.

ROBERT: Well, I’m excited to work with ya!

DEREK: Terrific! What did I tell you, LunchRush?

LUNCHRUSH: You tell me many things, please specify.

DEREK: That’s LunchRush, the worst thing that happened to my life.

ROBERT: Why do you keep it around?

DEREK: Why do you keep wearing neckties if it still strangles you to the point of asphyxiation? Because it’s cool and it’s a style!

ROBERT: Can’t argue with that! So, if I’m not mistaken, your room is right across the hall from mine. I’m 237B. I know because I used to be neighbors with the old 9th grade science teacher, Courtney, before she sort of had an unfortunate accident at a volcano field trip.

DEREK: I thought it was a transformer accident.

ROBERT: She was not a good teacher.

DEREK: Fair.

ROBERT: SO I’LL BE YOUR NEW HALLWAY NEIGHBOR! We can call ourselves the DNA Strands! Get ourselves some nice leather jackets, you wear one that says A, I wear one that says T, and then we just stand back to back and become this inseparable bond of instructions and knowledge!

DEREK: Robert… I have never… heard an idea… BETTER THAN THAT ONE! And I was the one who invented pay-to-play subscription services!

ROBERT: YES! I found a new science nerd already! Oh, best year ever, best year ever! Besides Courtney of course.

DEREK: Of course.

ROBERT: Of course. God bless.

DEREK: Yes, god bless.

ROBERT: Well, I’m off to prepare my intro to photosynthesis. Gotta get into my plant costume, and you do NOT want to know how long it takes to get in there!

DEREK: I’m sorry, I’m imagining a full body zipper mascot costume, wouldn’t that take a few minutes?

ROBERT: You’d think so, but I have a secret.

DEREK: A secret to… make something more complicated?

ROBERT: YOU KNOW IT! That’s the Rob Trenellz way! I’ll see ya soon, Angi. LunchRush, nice to meet’cha too.

LUNCHRUSH:  A pleasure to meat you.

[Robert leaves]

DEREK: Nice guy, that Rob. He’d make a good test subject.

LUNCHRUSH: Quite.

DEREK: But enough of that! It’s time for my first venture as cooking–I mean, earth science teacher!

SECRETARY: [off-screen] You forgot to sign the date!

DEREK: [to himself] This woman is the first to go.